~Oh Hell No~

Where the hell is Lisa…??

Seems like not to long ago. I was separated/single, blogging about my ex. Cynical, comical, outrageous even. Now I find myself wanting to bake, leave notes on the mirror and attend to a man. What the hell has happened to me? OMG, did I fall in love…*shrieks*..~!!

To be Continued………….~!!

~What, You Don’t Like Porn?~

It never occurred to me that not everyone enjoys porn? I mean really, how is that even possible? I mean this is the Sex and the city generation. Girls can screw freely and not be considered sluts, we can talk about masturbation, cock size, blow jobs and anal sex but bring up that you love porn and yep, you now have 12 less facebook friends and people are pointing at you at walmart  *sighs*.

There goes my chance for mom of the year again and that PTA has told me they won’t need my help for the annual school play. I mean really. I wasn’t gonna do porn. I just like watching porn *chuckles*.

So with that said. I figured I would make a top 10 list, why porn rocks for all you holy roller, up tight frugal bitches, lol as there is no way men can even be grouped in this. Because yeah, ALL men love porn, Right? *ponders*.

Before I begin, Mom you may not want to read this one!

Okay, are you ready?

Number 1:

It’s a way to live out secret fantasies, without being ganged banged by 8 guys in the local Super 8 or sharing your partner with the ladies at book club night.

Number 2:

It’s an Equal Opportunity Employer:

Granted you are 18 and over….ok not too much over. I do not want to see saggy anything *shrieks*.

Number 3:

The Camera adds 10 lbs. Okay I meant 10 inches. I mean yeah we “women” can say we don’t like to see manhood, but yeah WE all know that we do *nods and wipes the drool from my mouth*.

Number 4:

It cum’s to you! No PUN intended, okay pun intended *smiles*

Number 5:

It’s a great prequel to your relationship, sex life, etc. Okay uptight chicks I know your saying. I don’t need that, maybe not, but watch it and see how much better your sex life is and how much better you man does you, Really I dare you to do it and than get back to me. I’ll be waiting for the OMG this chick was SO right.

Number 6:

It can keep you more focused. You know watch and play along or should I say screw along *giggles*. I mean women over think  usually. I mean ever romp and be thinking about the fact you have to take the dog out, what you need for dinner groceries and oh shit I left laundry in the dryer and this new mascara is awesome. Tell me that is leading you to reach the BIG O, I am guessing no, no and NO.

Number 7:

You can learn new moves. I mean wow. Looks at screen and says, Oh My, she is hanging from the ceiling, with no net. Goes directly into bedroom and sees how I can hang from ceiling *looks around*. Bust out that porn and learn some new moves, your boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow *smiles*. He will thank you, oh will HE thank you, or thank me and this blog. Sitting bull, ear muffs, bent spoon, big dipper, pirates bounty, twisted doggy *nods* these are all real actual positions. Know how I know, yeah because I just got done watching porn *chuckles*.

Number 8:

It get’s you in the mood, really it does. The ONLY people saying oh hell no, are the people too uptight to check it out, really I would not lead you wrong *well*.

Number 9:

It’s comical. Yes really, Ever see foreign porn or when the lips don’t match. It is a new Friday night comedy. I assure you *busts out laughing*.

Number 10:

It’s FREE.

Okay, If those aren’t enough reasons to get you to watch porn, then you totally suck and there is no fun for you. Now I am not saying to watch porn all day, every day as I don’t want your psych doctor calling me up blaming me for your new addiction. But with an open mind it can be fun.

Happy Porn-ing!

~Santa Baby~

Nooooooooooooooooooo, NOT AGAIN….~!!

“Screamsssssssssssssss” I swear if I hear this version or any other version of this song one more time. I may go completely insane, yank my own hair out maybe even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a grinch or a buh humm-bugger but this song is just over played. I have not gotten into my car once without hearing this. What happened to Jingle Bells or Do they know it’s Christmas time, anything besides this song. It makes me want to put hot pokers in my eyes or rip my ears off, lol. Help me Lord, NO MORE SANTA BABY, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!

“SITS ON SANTA’S LAP”

Dear Santa,

I have been good.

I even sat on your lap.

You smiled and bounced me around and told me.

I indeed was a very good little girl.

You Assured me you would bring me what I wanted this year as you groped my breast.

So, PLEASE kidnap all currently living singers of “Santa Baby” and hide them until after xmas, please!

Thank you from the possibly violated girl who was groped and bounced and fondled on your lap!

Happy Holidays….~!!

~I’m Published On Offbeat Home and Life~

Guess What?

I am published on Offbeat Home and Life!

“This is NOT Harry Potter’s Wand” , was published earlier this week on Offbeat Home & Life .

Click Here to check it out.

I am truly excited about this, as to share my strange sense of humor and people to actually enjoy it. Is Awesome. We all may be a little whacked you know though, Right?

Tonight the Xanax is on me *throws xanax to everyone*….=)

~Cock Size~

Does size matter?

What is considered small? What is considered big?

What is too small. I mean can you find pleasure in 4 inches?

Is there a size considered TOO big?

Would you rather half length or girth?

I know, I know. Every small dicked man is now going to comment, it’s how you use it and why yes I do agree with that. I am sorry a 4 inch penis *just laughs*. I just can’t see the pleasure in that *ponders*.

For the reasoning behind “Will a big dick fit”?

Well here is a little info:

The actual vagina is like an elastic band. It is accommodating to the size depending on how relaxed the internal muscles are. Forcing it will cause tearing, forcing it because some other girl “took it all” can result in tearing. The issue is the cervix. You can push and push because technically the vagina will be trying to find a pocket of muscle to allow the penis to go in, and there are slight pockets beside the cervix and uterus, but once the cervix is hit it is basically game over. Either it hurts the woman, porn is a horrible example for this because they are told to keep quiet and just do the shot, but real women can be really hurt by the pain of a cervix getting slammed and therefore say do not push anymore and don’t get me wrong there are REAL women who enjoy the pain in pleasure of it and can take it like a porn star. But that is consensual and between parties involved and they are putting their cervix on the line *nods*.

So, inquiring minds aka Me want to know what you think, Does size matter? I guess whatever your choice have fun, be safe and:

A little cock poem for you, no pun intended!

“LONG IN THIN, GOES WAY IN, SHORT AND THICK, NOW THAT’S A PRICK”. *chuckles*.

~Mr.Big~

WHAT…??

I thought LOVE was that eye rolling, wet panties, heart racing, palms sweaty feeling you have with the “MR BIG” type in the back seat of a limo or penthouse apartment? No wonder love eludes me, I must be looking in all the wrong places? I swear the number I got off that bathroom wall was going to lead to the next big thing. I was already sending out wedding invitations. But then he stopped calling. I did run into him. He said he changed his number. I went back to the bathroom to see if it was listed, but no such luck *pfft*. As for intense feeling, Oh I had an intense feeling alright *nods* and I had his attention for 22 minutes? He even said he loved me or maybe he said he loved the way ….Nevermind. *LoL*.

So, now that I know it wasn’t true love *pouts a little* let’s talk about this elusive Mr Big type.

Ladies you know what I’m talking about. The dominant, handsome, independent, well dressed, charming, challenging, witty, financially secure, demure, distinguished, workaholic powerhouse, bigger than life persona type of man, he will wine and dine you and show you a side of life that comes straight off a TV show or movie and OH THE SEX, it will curl your toes and make you act like a crazy teenage girl with raging hormones.

Have you ever dated one? Please tell, with details even? Are you still with him? What makes this man so attractive, wanted, chased? He is like the catch of a lifetime, Right? But most times dating a “Mr Big” type goes real bad. Just ask Carrie from “Sex and the City” she spent years chasing him, 201 sleepless nights and 42 boxes of Kleenex crying over him. Most episodes were like a bad lifetime movie *felt her pain*, kind of.

She did end up with him, but hey it was the final season. We needed a happy ending, Right? *nods*.

But REALLY inquiring minds, MINE want to know? What makes this man so damn alluring?

~Asswipe And The Heat Guy~

The Heat Guy, Ok Its NOT, But let’s pretend it is!

So yeah the heat guy came over today. Did I mention he was totally hot and young? No he is NOT my boyfriend, YET *giggles*. He actually came over to light my fire, I mean furnace as it needed to be lit and I am afraid to do that kind of stuff as I would hate to blow my house up.

So, I let him in and offer him a drink (wine, whiskey, other) okay I am dreaming now *wakes up*.

Ha, I bet you thought I was going to write some hot steamy sex filled blog didn’t you?

Only thing hot and bothered was the furnace I assure you. Back to my story. He comes in the front door. I secure my little ankle biters in the bathroom as I would hate for two 4lb dogs to attack this man *shrieks*. I only sic my dogs on ugly, old guys.

He has to stroll through the living room, the kitchen, and climb over a baby gate I have mounted in the door way to the lower level as it meant to keep the ankle biters from peeing on the downstairs carpet without my knowledge. Free dogs to a good home *just kidding*.

Well first off the poor guy almost bites it trying to climb over. I held back my laughter as he may of hurt himself. That would of been awful as he probably could  sue. But it was funny *laughs about it now* So I follow him into the basement. Okay for some reason my ADHD mind just took me to a dark place as this sounds like it could be the beginning of a horror flick. I did not kill him. He left safely, I promise.

So, he lights my fire, I mean furnace and were making small talk. By small talk I mean talking about the weather and my dungeon. Dungeon is what I called the unfinished part of my basement (that the furnace is in).  Nice guy, really he was, he is not only hot but friendly. I have a heat man crush. It will last all of 2 minutes *nods*.

So, I mention about my upcoming divorce and all, hey I had to let him know this beautiful disaster aka me was available. I promise he had NO wedding ring on, so simmer down married women of the world *chuckles*. He told me he just went through a break up. “Aww, how sad, do you need someone to comfort you? By comfort you, I mean lets have crazy wild afternoon sex before my kids get home”.

AS if, I would say that to complete stranger. I am shy and innocent, Really I am! So we head back upstairs and I walk him to the door and thank him and tell him to have a nice Halloween, blah blah blah. He leaves.

I go in the bathroom to let the ankle biters out and I had toliet paper hanging from the back of my black yoga pants.

So much for me romping the heat guy, huh? *hits myself in the forehead*. “How embarrassing” *mortified once again*.

Moral to the story, once again there isn’t one, btw I use Charmin….=)

~What Happened to ASL?~

What the hell happened to chat sites?

I mean seriously WTH. The days of innocent simplicity, basic chit chat and terms like ASL are long gone I guess *shrugs*.

I don’t sleep much, Remember? So sometimes I find myself browsing blogs or chat sites, seeing what people are up to, doing, writing about and talking about. Well tonight I happened to come across http://www.bdsmchat.net I know I know, a bdsm site your thinking, but hey since 50 shades of grey, it’s okay to be a sex freak *smiles all dominatrix like*.

Okay, let me state the site I listed is affiliated with 100 other names, so depending on what you type in Google, you will get a certain sign up, etc. But it’s all the same site.

Anyway,  this site gives a whole new meaning to strange, weird, frustrating, crazy and perverted. I am all about crazy if you couldn’t tell by my last blog and I like to think I am also very open minded, fun and non judgmental but this site is over the top. I clicked on the naughty link (400 plus people chatting) NO 80 people chatting, 284 trolling and the rest naked, men stroking off and some chick with a bong sitting on cam, showing her plus sized boobies and humping her pillow. There are SOME boobs that are not meant to be seen. (Most just happen to be on this site) *shrieks*.

So after an hour of watching chat, browsing a few cams and perving aka checking out over a dozen profiles. I have compiled a list of chat room rules and etiquette, because clearly some people are confused about chatting in this decade?

1. When making a profile, DON’T use a movie stars pic, people are NOT dumb. LoL.

2. If you are going to sit on cam, please don’t be over 300lbs, have a lazy eye, drool uncontrollably and be surrounded by junk (clutter) with your cock in hand and your little cat FeFe on your lap and tell people it’s your mom’s basement. *seriously freaked out*.

3. DON’T PM (Private Message) asking someone if they want to watch your cam? Hello, your cam is public. IF I wanted to watch you I’d have your cam on, right? *shrugs*.

4. Don’t ask me what I’m wearing, if you don’t want to hear me say. “Clothes, duh”!

5. Drama and Chat room fighting is retarded, you do know that you can’t kick someone’s ass over the net, Right? How old are you, 4? *rolls my eyes*.

6. Sending a message that states, “I am the six, will you be the nine”? really isn’t going to get you laid.

7.Doing something illegal (drugs) on cam is really STUPID. I could be the DEA, ya know *chuckles*.

8. If your hot by all means, YES I want to see your cam. But what you think is hot and what I think is hot, is probably two different things!

9. Just because people come to a chat site,  does not mean they are looking for cyber sex, a boytoy, girltoy, wife, husband, bf, gf, other. Some people actually come just to chat with like minded adults!

10. No I wont send you a pic, the site offers me an option to post my pic, its NOT my fault your too dumb too look! *slaps your forehead*.

Okay I could go on and on *sighs* I am really disappointed in people’s chat room etiquette and communication skills *frowns*.

Oh, there’s one more thing, they have moderators on a chat site?

I think  they may be there to break up cyber fights, perv profiles and get FREE cyber sex.

Hey, I think I need to apply for a moderator position, har har har *giggles out loud*.

Well my eye’s have been bleached and I have prayed to the good lord to forgive me for my impure thoughts so yeah I am ready for bed.

Sweet dreams and Happy Chatting!

Sidenote: It is kind of fun actually to see what people are up to, talking about, even the really strange ones and thank god for the ignore and block options *blocks and ignores everyone* and NO I’m not blogging naked or in lingerie for those wondering what I’m wearing. I have clothes on duh!

~Friday Forecast~

Happy Friday Everyone, may you have tons of fun, lots of sex, amazing food and may you wake up with all your cash still in your wallet come Sunday. That’s if you have any left, after the the strippers, the midgets, the oil wrestling and “wow” what was that even?  *shrieks*. If you go to jail, that’s okay, it’s a safe place to stay *giggles*.  Seriously, if you do go to jail, Don’t call me, I’m not coming to get your ASS!

~The Night I Became a Groupie~

Ever wake up in the back of a rock band’s bus, in your underwear,  gum stuck in your hair, one of your shoes still on and a condom duct taped to the inside of your leg? Okay, Good I thought I was the only one *chuckles*. (oh, let me state is was an UNUSED condom)

Groupie: A Slut that sleeps with bands.

Now before you get your undies in an uproar, I didn’t sleep with the band. Well I don’t think I did, LoL. But I did briefly date the lead guitarist. By date I mean we hung out in the back of the bus for 5 hours (give or take). You know, a heartfelt meaningful relationship.

For the record I won’t make you wonder long why the condom was unused duct taped to my inner thigh. And No I did not have a love child 9 months later. But wow, now wouldn’t that be a blog *smiles*.

Okay, sit down and shut up and let me finish my blog *looks stern at you*.

How does one end up in the back of a rock bands bus? I am still pondering this one but I am going to give you a few pointers from what I remember. Let me state the band I hung out with was playing a small venue in the state I live in.

1. Be beautiful.  If your not, well then. Yeah not sure what to tell you *shrugs*.

2. Dress Hot and by “HOT” I mean a school girl skirt, a white top and white knee highs and  heeled black Mary Jane’s  (Hey, it was a different decade that shit was popular!) Today that would mean, skinny jeans, black heels and a kick ass boobie bearing top. If you got it flaunt it, but keep it classy NOT trashy and NO I know your wondering I did not have pigtails in, that’s way to cliche.

3. Be able to carry on a conversation, you have to stand out! (Okay, I just re read that and I just spit my soda) I don’t think bands are really concerned with your communication skillz, at least not at this point.

4. You must get in the front row and shake what god gave you, I was lucky to have been blessed with dance moves. I am like a white Michael Jackson, okay, maybe I mean Janet. But I think you get my point? Right?

5. Make eye contact with the band, more importantly the one maybe you would love to be having blissful sex with 3 hours from now with? Now if you do want the whole band, well then your going to look like a crazy googly eyed bitch making eye contact, but hey if it works, let me know. Look at him/her/them with awe and enamor in your eyes. Everyone, even rock stars love to feel wanted/needed.

6. Pray to god that somehow, someway, you end up talking at the bar with one member if not more of the band or that you have made it back stage somehow, a connection helps. I however did not have a connection. You can always write I want to suck your cock after the show on a poster board with a black sharpie. Now that will get their attention and probably every sexual predator within 23 miles attention. But yeah?

I really think it was the alcohol and my charming good looks *smiles*.

It just occurred to me I am giving you pointers how to whore yourself out. Does that make me a pimp? Or is that when you pay me once you land the band?

I am way off track here, anyway so somehow I am now invited unto the bus. let me assure you I am being a safe groupie/slut. I have a trusted sidekick with me. LoL.  So we both enter the bus. Fuck, have you ever seen a rock stars bus. Its like a house on wheels. I had to roll my tongue back in and wipe the drool off my chin *wipes up the drool*. Now let me state YOU will not be the ONLY girl/boy/animal on the bus. I’m joking I swear there was no donkey or animal on the bus. Well, there was this one girl. She was on all fours, barking, never mind.

This is where is you have to be able to be cool or maybe just get on your knees and ready to service, however I guess I chose the NO service route. I think for me it was the challenge to get on the bus and hey I loved to party. So lets fucking party like rock stars. Now let me state while many rock bands are now sober and etc. This band was not. They had booze and every drug known to man. Well a lot more than I had ever seen. Mind you I am a small town girl. I snorted coke off a chicks tits. No I didn’t know her, but damn her tits were great. Did I mention I’m ADHD and a Gemini? Cocaine is not a good drug for a hyperactive Gemini, were crazy enough already *anxiousl smile*. But oh how you can drink on cocaine. I really hope my kids aren’t reading this. “Kids, Drugs are bad, very very bad, now get back in bed!” or my mom, “Oh Hi Mom” *shrieks*.

Where was I, oh yeah I’m now not only a slut, but a coke whore fueling up on booze. So like any typical Wisconsin chick,  I say “Hey let’s play quarters”. Somehow, which I now think odd, everyone was down to play. This is where the story gets strange and let me give you the best advice you will ever hear. “NEVER PLAY QUARTERS WITH A ROCK BAND” apparently they are on the road for days and days and they will beat you, oh will they beat you. So a bottle of Absolute and Jack later. I am not sure I know my name. I think it’s Chloe, at least that’s what I’m going with, okay and my sidekick is Natasha? I know what your thinking, “Let’s Party” right? Who doesn’t want to party with a Chloe and Natasha. I think I should of picked Natasha *sighs*. Then someone says let’s play strip poker, that is another game they KNOW how to play, WELL.

So, Everyone is now drunk and half naked well maybe just me but everyone seems to be having fun, music is blaring, there is a manager and yeah that shit is really like the movies, there is a creepy guy or two sitting at the door of the bus on the couch, warding off ugly chicks or wives I suppose, just kidding, we all know wives would bust down the fucking door. I imagine they do a lot of masturbating or get sloppy seconds, thirds or whatever is left over. I don’t really want to know or think about it. *distraught look upon my face*.

Well anyway, 24 people have now become 12 and I think about this now and it had to be awkward, but at the time, yeah this was going to be a bucket list moment, I mean who doesn’t want to fuck a rock star? I am still raising my hand to that one. *googles hot rockstars* in their 40’s, jk. That’s crazy shit I chose to do when young, drunk and fueled up on other drugs. I wasn’t really thinking. So, out of no where this guy kisses me, yeah the lead guitarist, and OMG I can still remember the taste of his lips. It was probably the chick he had the night before *lmaooooo*. God, that’s a gross though, puked a little.

So, I won’t divulge the juicy details, oh yeah that’s cause I don’t remember. I hope it was good for him, oh yeah and me too. But I did wake up in just my underwear. Sidekick on the floor 10 feet away. My head was pounding. I slowly got up and grabbed my stuff. Now I am sure they are used to the “sneak out”. So I wasn’t too worried about offending him but I didn’t want to wake everyone so they could watch me take the walk of shame off the bus. I prodded the sidekick, she slowly snuck out with me. I never did find my other shoe or my bra and it took me a full day getting the gum out of my hair. But hey I ding donged a lead guitarist *proudly smirks*.

Oh this is NOT the end of my story, did you think I was done? A few days/ maybe a week later I get a strange call on my home phone, and yes this was when we used home phones. Well I think cell phones were out but not popular yet. I answer and “the guy” is on the other end. Yes the guitarist. I am thinking the worse. I mean why would HE be calling ME on the phone, he must have aids and the doctor has told him he has to tell his list. *oh fuck, Im dying*. Okay, he doesn’t have Aids. Wait, how does he even know my number? Yeah okay, I’m sure the drunk cocaine fueled Lisa, oh I mean Chloe gave it to him.  But why on earth is he calling me, ponders again.

The call went kind of like this.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes?

Him: How are you?

Me: Uhmmmm, I am good thank you for asking and you? *shocked and a bit confused*.

Him: I am good too, thank you for asking. (Actually he said tired, the road is hard and the nights are long) anyway.

Now I look back and why should I be shocked. I am a beautiful woman, who is a lot of fun and definitely could hold my own with a rock star. well not the drugs and alcohol. But yeah, I got what it takes. But back then, yeah I’m a bit confused.

Him: I am sure you are wondering why I’m calling you?

Me: Well, it is nice to hear from you but yeah kind of.

Him: I want to tell you I found your bra.

Me: Gasps, and is mortified and dumb founded.

Me: How do you know its mine.

Him: Well here’s the kicker Lisa. It has your name on it, with your phone number and says if lost call.

SHRIEKS, WTF, I did what? Now mind you I didn’t say anything. I sat here embarrassed.

Him: But.

OMG, there is a but. *crawls underneath a rock to die*. LoL.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes

Him: The thing you wrote Dear (his name) on the one side, the message on the other, as he read it again.

Sits here quiet yet, dying of humiliation.

Him: I just want you to know you are the first girl to do anything like that, girls throw their top, bras, panties and other unmentionables  on stage all the time, but the fact that you wrote me a cute personal little message was totally cool.

Me: Breathes and says Ohhhhhhhhhhh, and giggles.

Him: You definitely know how to get attention.

Me: So uhmm, can I ask you a question?

Him: Sure

Me: I woke up with gum in my hair and a condom duct taped to my leg, and no shoe (well and no bra but you solved that mystery) could you tell maybe give me a heads up, why?

Me: Oh and Did we?

Him: Have sex?

Me: Yes.

Him: You don’t remember?

Me: Well not every moment in full detail. Was I at least good *chuckles*.

Him: Wow, now this is a first. A girl who doesn’t remember my fabulous love making skills.

Just sits here, as I seriously I don’t remember.  I blame the drugs. (MAKES A NOTE: NEVER DO DRUGS AGAIN!)

Him: You demanded safe sex, so I went and got a condom, I came back and you were passed out, So I duct taped the condom to your inner thigh. Safe sex, you know?

So, there you have it all the answers, well not the lost shoe, but one shoe lost in a night of hard partying with a rock band, so worth the loss. The moral to the story. Don’t do drugs and safe sex is a must. Damn how boring is that bullshit. How do I tell my kids I passed out on a lead guitarist. God I’m fucking lame *shrugs in disappointment*.

I am never sure how I got the gum in my hair, but I did get it out without chopping off my hair, so it’s all good, thank ice cubes and peanut butter.

Well now my story is over, and before I go. I am going to share a little info:

Groupies

Kind of a cool article. I have read a few of the books listed. Pretty wild stuff, especially compared to  my rock band bus moment.

As the years have passed. I will say I had some fun times growing up, this being one of them, I wouldn’t take back too many things in my life no matter how crazy, wild, sad, wrong even they were, they made me the person I am today. Life is meant to be lived and I am living it every minute, and let me tell you. I can handle my liquor now, so yeah that bus would of been rockin, don’t come knockin~

SIDENOTE: Before the said guy threw me up against the wall and kissed me, we had really talked. It was kind of cool to hear his stories, that was between the coke on some chicks tits and the 2 bottles of booze and 3 games of strip poker I lost, thats why I’m in my undies duh. (Nahh, really he was an interesting guy, and when everyone started to bump like bunnies he was more than willing to just talk and hangout)