~Oh Hell No~

Where the hell is Lisa…??

Seems like not to long ago. I was separated/single, blogging about my ex. Cynical, comical, outrageous even. Now I find myself wanting to bake, leave notes on the mirror and attend to a man. What the hell has happened to me? OMG, did I fall in love…*shrieks*..~!!

To be Continued………….~!!

~Rock and Roll, Baby~

I find myself in a hotel again this morning, drinking cold coffee sitting by the pool, watching normal people with normal lives. I kind of remember having one (a normal life that is). But then I started dating a rock star. Now my life is weekend gigs, snack bars, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Okay, Okay this is 2015, no one does drugs anymore and pssh. I think I drink more than the entire band put together *sighs*. Kind of disappointing.

But yeah I traded a job for killer guitar riffs, rockin vocals, mind blowing drums solos, late nights, crazy schedules and loud music, “Huh” I can’t hear you. I may already have some hearing loss.

Nahh, Just kidding. I can still hear you, sadly, lol.

Their are some major bonuses. I get to wear some great outfits, see some great bands, attend meet and greets and yeah dance all night long. But my new bedtime is like 2am, thats after a show, a snack, and washing off 3lbs of makeup. Only to be awaken in the am by the housekeeping because I once again forgot to leave the do not disturb sign up *grrrrr*.

Knock, Knock, Housekeeping!

There is a down side, really there is.

1. You have to watch tons of other women oogle and google your man. *chuckles*.

2. You will no longer know what sleep is, as you will sleep very little and at late hours.

3. You eat out at least 2 meals a day and damn its hard to find good food choices. (especially at indian reservations). So a guaranteed 5lbs you will gain (ugh) *shrieks*

Looks at my waist line, or lack of it and just sighs.

But yeah Rock and Roll Baby, packs quickly for the next gig.

Keep Rockin…~!!

~What, You Don’t Like Porn?~

It never occurred to me that not everyone enjoys porn? I mean really, how is that even possible? I mean this is the Sex and the city generation. Girls can screw freely and not be considered sluts, we can talk about masturbation, cock size, blow jobs and anal sex but bring up that you love porn and yep, you now have 12 less facebook friends and people are pointing at you at walmart  *sighs*.

There goes my chance for mom of the year again and that PTA has told me they won’t need my help for the annual school play. I mean really. I wasn’t gonna do porn. I just like watching porn *chuckles*.

So with that said. I figured I would make a top 10 list, why porn rocks for all you holy roller, up tight frugal bitches, lol as there is no way men can even be grouped in this. Because yeah, ALL men love porn, Right? *ponders*.

Before I begin, Mom you may not want to read this one!

Okay, are you ready?

Number 1:

It’s a way to live out secret fantasies, without being ganged banged by 8 guys in the local Super 8 or sharing your partner with the ladies at book club night.

Number 2:

It’s an Equal Opportunity Employer:

Granted you are 18 and over….ok not too much over. I do not want to see saggy anything *shrieks*.

Number 3:

The Camera adds 10 lbs. Okay I meant 10 inches. I mean yeah we “women” can say we don’t like to see manhood, but yeah WE all know that we do *nods and wipes the drool from my mouth*.

Number 4:

It cum’s to you! No PUN intended, okay pun intended *smiles*

Number 5:

It’s a great prequel to your relationship, sex life, etc. Okay uptight chicks I know your saying. I don’t need that, maybe not, but watch it and see how much better your sex life is and how much better you man does you, Really I dare you to do it and than get back to me. I’ll be waiting for the OMG this chick was SO right.

Number 6:

It can keep you more focused. You know watch and play along or should I say screw along *giggles*. I mean women over think  usually. I mean ever romp and be thinking about the fact you have to take the dog out, what you need for dinner groceries and oh shit I left laundry in the dryer and this new mascara is awesome. Tell me that is leading you to reach the BIG O, I am guessing no, no and NO.

Number 7:

You can learn new moves. I mean wow. Looks at screen and says, Oh My, she is hanging from the ceiling, with no net. Goes directly into bedroom and sees how I can hang from ceiling *looks around*. Bust out that porn and learn some new moves, your boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow *smiles*. He will thank you, oh will HE thank you, or thank me and this blog. Sitting bull, ear muffs, bent spoon, big dipper, pirates bounty, twisted doggy *nods* these are all real actual positions. Know how I know, yeah because I just got done watching porn *chuckles*.

Number 8:

It get’s you in the mood, really it does. The ONLY people saying oh hell no, are the people too uptight to check it out, really I would not lead you wrong *well*.

Number 9:

It’s comical. Yes really, Ever see foreign porn or when the lips don’t match. It is a new Friday night comedy. I assure you *busts out laughing*.

Number 10:

It’s FREE.

Okay, If those aren’t enough reasons to get you to watch porn, then you totally suck and there is no fun for you. Now I am not saying to watch porn all day, every day as I don’t want your psych doctor calling me up blaming me for your new addiction. But with an open mind it can be fun.

Happy Porn-ing!

~Forgive~

So, my ex to be’s mother is dying, now mind you she has been battling cancer for awhile. Well battling something as she is combative, untreated and refuses to die or have cancer really. She drinks, a lot. So her being hospitalized poses a problem for her never ending happy hours *shrugs*.

She is strong willed and she is going to live and die on her terms is really how I like to put this as being any other way at this point would be wrong as my blog is about forgiving and forgiveness.

Let’s start with the definition:

verb fər-ˈgiv, fȯr-

: to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong) : to stop blaming (someone)

: to stop feeling anger about (something) : to forgive someone for (something wrong)

Why is it so hard to do sometimes?

As my ex and his brother seem to at this point be un empathetic towards this woman they treat like a stranger, now mind you I did not live the life they have, but I do know people make mistakes, alcoholism is an awful thing. I have seen it from a far so I guess maybe I just sound like a hypocrite to him, them. But I have experienced “the mother in law experience” but I really just think with the news today, its time to forget the past, okay maybe not forget but forgive.

*Stage 4 Brain Cancer* NOW is the time to forgive her for all she didn’t do or did do, after all it is their mom? Am I wrong to think that she had to of done something right, at some point? There had to be good times, Right? I mean come on there always has to be SOME good moments? It’s time to Be ok with things not being perfect. Be ok with the fact she is never going to be all the things you wanted and needed. But right now it is about her. About celebrating all she did do right as I know for a fact she did two things right. Chad and Jay. I mean she gave them life and they grew up to be the men they are today.

I think forgiving someone even at this point, won’t just bring a little sunshine to their mom’s now ending life but peace within themselves? Right? I mean the truth, she is going to die, she is not gonna beat this as she will not allow herself to be treated. To be anything but empathetic, loving and forgiving to me only will bring the What’s if”s, If I had only and regrets later in life?

I believe everyone believes there will be more time, there will be more chances, but sometimes there just isn’t anymore time. This moment will define the rest of your life, what you do, what you choose? It may not seem significant, but it so is.

To allow yourself to forgive is huge in life. it opens up so many possibilities as people really do make mistakes, some people will never be what you want them to be, what you hope them to be, but they are who they are and acceptance and love is the only option. If someone has wronged you, don’t hate, feel sorry for them, for they are probably fighting their own inner battles. Hell, Forgive yourself for actions and mistakes, as everyone and I do mean everyone makes them. To live with hate, anger, bitterness or emptiness is no way to live.

This always seems so easy in theory, to tell someone to forgive, but I guess for some, things, bad memories can’t be undone and in this situation I just feel bad and sad for everyone involved. I have had a few run ins with this woman, but I can tell you one thing. I and my kids will be there, to at least offer a helping hand, heart, anything she want’s and needs. For that is the right thing to do, period. I do hope my ex and his brother can find some peace and comfort in the days to follow. Not so much for her, but for them!

I pray for help, love, peace and guidance for this woman and her boys. I pray that she will find the strength in god before it’s too late. I pray that she will find love and comfort.

*Sidenote* this blog is on my opinion of this situation.

~I’m Published On Offbeat Home and Life~

Guess What?

I am published on Offbeat Home and Life!

“This is NOT Harry Potter’s Wand” , was published earlier this week on Offbeat Home & Life .

Click Here to check it out.

I am truly excited about this, as to share my strange sense of humor and people to actually enjoy it. Is Awesome. We all may be a little whacked you know though, Right?

Tonight the Xanax is on me *throws xanax to everyone*….=)

~Searching~

In darkness

I search for the light.

In light

I search for the truth.

In Truth

I now see your lies.

In your lies

I pray for freedom.

In Freedom

I find my PEACE.

~Serial Dater~

I have been pondering for awhile about love and relationships or maybe not the actual relationship but the months to follow after a relationship comes to an end. I know we all handle being heartbroken in different ways and in different amounts of time. I have always heard it takes 1/2 the amount of time you were together to get over someone. I don’t know if I buy that. I do know that it is a hard and an awful experience for anyone to go through and this blog is not about being heartbroken. But trust me at some point, that blog will be posted *smiles*.

This blog is about the types of men/women aka Serial Daters who go from one relationship to the next with little to no time in between. I mean who does that and Why? How do you truly let go and move on, if your already dating the “next” thing? How did you process the break up and learn from what went wrong? If your already dating the “next” thing and really how fair is it to “the next thing”?

Serial daters. I don’t understand them. These “next” are they/me just fillers. Someone to keep them company, content, occupied? Do they ever really understand the true meaning of love. I mean REAL love takes time. There are stages and even with the loss of a love there are stages.

I’ve been someones “next” thing and I look back and I totally realize, he was all gung ho and in love so fast, not even over his ex, hell he had never processed anything as he went from her to me. Which I assure you I will never do again. Because from my experience these types, they are in love with the idea of you and when a few months go by and they realize your not really their type, they leave or pull away and you are left heartbroken and alone. Now who is to blame here? Me?  You? Him? Anyone?

The “next” why do we do it, why do we buy into the dream so soon? I mean happily ever after, the key is EVER AFTER, not two weeks or two months later . Do you/me not realize that real love does really take time and men/women who serial date, they will NEVER truly find it. They will just find “the nex thing”…truly sad for them. *sighs*

Below is a GREAT article on serial daters, check it out.

Inside the Mind of a Serial Dater!

 

~Happy, Happy, Happy~

Do you find it harder to stay positive in a negative world?

It seem’s like you can’t turn on the TV or read the news now a days without seeing something awful. Ebola, Murder, Rape, Poverty.

Life seems to truly be rough and awful for some and while I don’t buy into the entire hype you are what you think. Example, the book “The Secret”. “Think” and “Say” you have a million dollars and wholla, you do. Personally I think that is just a bunch of BS to help sell the book. If you want a million dollars, marry a millionaire, be born into a trust fund family or work your ass off!

However, I do believe our thoughts go a long way. I believe if we tell ourselves we can’t lose 10lbs, we wont. I believe if we tell ourselves were never going to find true love, we won’t. We will find the negative in the little things they do and sabotage it from the get go. We need to think happy, we need to be optimistic even when we don’t want to, we need to trick our mind. Even if your saying sometimes, “I can, I will, I’m happy, our actual thoughts are not thinking that. We need to re train our brains to think happy, be happy. Life can be simple, really it can.

I am going through a divorce, I have been heartbroken, broke, no job and I still wake up every day and realize I have so much to be happy about and thankful for. I am healthy, I have 3 amazing kids, I have family and friends who love me, I am lovable, so yeah someday when I am ready I will find Mr. Right. (my version of course) I have a roof over my head and food on my table and Xanax, har har har.

Am I drinking my favorite coffee, No. Am I eating exquisite meals, No? Am I going on vacations, No? Am I wearing designer clothes and walking around with designer hand bags, No? But guess what, I do walk around with a smile on my face and love in my heart and that to me trumps all that other stuff. Happiness is a choice, even in shitty situations.

So, wake up tomorrow, smile and say “I am going to be awesome today”. I am going to do GREAT things, be kind to others as it really will make you feel good about yourself and if things go all wrong, guess what. Tomorrow is a new day, a day to try all over again so really, don’t fret!

Here are a few other things that may help:

Believe in Yourself

Successful people start with a deep inner self-belief. It has been shown that self-belief is more important than intelligence, education or connections in terms of life-long achievement. The important starting point is your conviction that you are capable of significant achievement or that you have something special to contribute.

Set Clear Goals

If you have no destination then your journey is haphazard. If you write down ambitious but achievable goals, then you are already on the road to accomplishing them.

Take Ownership and Responsibility for Your Life

Don’t be a victim. Don’t blame others or circumstances. You are the captain of the boat and you decide where it goes and what happens. If you are unhappy with an aspect of your life, then form a plan to change it and take action.

Talk to Yourself

Become your own motivator by telling yourself positive things. For example: at the start of the day you might say to yourself, “I am going to do really well today.” Or, “I am going to make real progress towards my goals.” When things go wrong or you falter, don’t make excuses—say something like, “That was my fault, but I can learn from that setback.”

Eliminate the Negative

Use positive self-talk to overcome the doubts and negative thoughts that creep into your mind. Deliberately eliminate worries about difficulties and obstacles by taking a positive attitude, “I can overcome this challenge.” You do not ignore problems—you face up to them with a constructive and optimistic attitude.

Associate with Positive People

Among your friends, relatives, and associates there are probably some upbeat, positive, optimistic, dynamic people and some downbeat, negative, pessimistic or cynical people. Think about them for a moment and select examples of each. You should spend more time with the positive people and less time with the negative people. The optimists will inspire and encourage you, while the pessimists will feed your doubts and make you depressed.

Count Your Blessings

We tend to take all the good things in our lives for granted and focus on our failings and needs instead.

Find the Silver Lining

Learn to look for the opportunities in every situation that comes along. Every change brings good as well as bad, opportunities as well as threats. The people who do well in life are the ones who use setbacks as springboards for new successes.

Relax and Enjoy Life More

Lighten up a little. If you can laugh at things then you can cope with them more easily.  Don’t try to do everything at once. Don’t become overburdened with work. Deliberately give yourself little treats and do things that make you smile. Laughter is the best medicine—and the cheapest—so try to keep a balance between work, exercise, relationships and play.

Fake It.

If all else fails then fake it.  If you are really worried, nervous, or doubtful, then pretend that you are confident and self-assured. Acting the role helps you develop the attitudes and behaviors that go with the part. You can fool the audience, and more importantly, you can fool your brain—you will start to be the confident, positive person that you are acting!

~Mr.Big~

WHAT…??

I thought LOVE was that eye rolling, wet panties, heart racing, palms sweaty feeling you have with the “MR BIG” type in the back seat of a limo or penthouse apartment? No wonder love eludes me, I must be looking in all the wrong places? I swear the number I got off that bathroom wall was going to lead to the next big thing. I was already sending out wedding invitations. But then he stopped calling. I did run into him. He said he changed his number. I went back to the bathroom to see if it was listed, but no such luck *pfft*. As for intense feeling, Oh I had an intense feeling alright *nods* and I had his attention for 22 minutes? He even said he loved me or maybe he said he loved the way ….Nevermind. *LoL*.

So, now that I know it wasn’t true love *pouts a little* let’s talk about this elusive Mr Big type.

Ladies you know what I’m talking about. The dominant, handsome, independent, well dressed, charming, challenging, witty, financially secure, demure, distinguished, workaholic powerhouse, bigger than life persona type of man, he will wine and dine you and show you a side of life that comes straight off a TV show or movie and OH THE SEX, it will curl your toes and make you act like a crazy teenage girl with raging hormones.

Have you ever dated one? Please tell, with details even? Are you still with him? What makes this man so attractive, wanted, chased? He is like the catch of a lifetime, Right? But most times dating a “Mr Big” type goes real bad. Just ask Carrie from “Sex and the City” she spent years chasing him, 201 sleepless nights and 42 boxes of Kleenex crying over him. Most episodes were like a bad lifetime movie *felt her pain*, kind of.

She did end up with him, but hey it was the final season. We needed a happy ending, Right? *nods*.

But REALLY inquiring minds, MINE want to know? What makes this man so damn alluring?

~The END is Near~

Well the Ambien has kicked in and I really feel a bit loopy, but almost in tears. I am sure it is the drugs. But my marriage is finally coming to an end. My ex to be will finally be out of my house for good in two days. I am so excited. But I am also scared. I am so ready, have been for a long time. We have been separated for a very long time, but finances forced him back into the house. It’s been hard, he lives in the lower level. Me and the girls stay on the main and upper floors. But its like letting a stranger live in your home, except this stranger is mean and always comes in negative, negative from work, negative about his circumstance and surroundings, negative about his life. I mean I never meant anyone who could complain about absolutely nothing, but he could. I seriously don’t know how I made it through so happy and only partially damaged, but I can fix me. So I count the days, hours, minutes to my actual freedom. I can run naked screaming around the house. I can put laundry in downstairs without hearing a lecture. I can never have to deal with his little quirks and the toilet seat will never be left up *overjoyed*.

I am so happy. But yet my marriage will finally be over and that means I failed at something, something huge. But I can sincerely say I tried. I tried so very hard. So I’m okay with the end. I do hope we can maintain a friendship for our kids. As one swims and we used to travel to meets together. I am not sure how much that will change? Should it change? I just want it to be nice. I don’t think that two people who at one time loved each other so much, for so many years, should rip each other apart, and become hateful and bitter towards each other. I mean a bit of resentment is probably common. But can’t couples look at the fact that for years they did something so right and had something so wonderful, including kids I’d imagine. These are the things that should keep both parents on a good healthy path. Be happy. I mean your marriage failed but my/his story is yet to be written, Right? I believe every failed relationship brings you once step closer to the right one.

But as for now I just want him to be gone, poof like spell a little witch could grant. I look forward to freedom, calm, quiet, passive days with no drama. You have NO idea how excited I am. But yes I’m scared. I now have a huge house to take care of financially, I have kids to take care of emotionally and the to do list in my house is already long, as it just didn’t get done through the years of marriage. That has me overwhelmed, but one room at a time. Right?

So Long Sucka!!

I Love to be here and be able to write down my feelings, I know generally I write snark, humor, but sometimes I’m just mellow Lisa too, ambien helps *giggles*. Thank you for listening, I know none of you know me, none of you care, but thanks for just reading, listening, nodding, sharking your head, saying, oh brother, and anything else that made it out of your mouth while having to read this blog.

So, now that you all know me and were friends, right?  Whose going to find me the elusive “Mr Big” type, you know good looking, powerful, rich, charming, dominant, witty, funny, intellectual, loves to travel, worldly personality, refined and all that..*ponders*.

Mr. Big

10 Reasons to help me find a Mr. Big (type)

1. Because every hot guy, needs a hot blonde on his arm.

2. I need sex, and I want it soon, and this guy is yumm yumm!

3. You hook me up, Ill hook you up, Mr.Big always has friends…(girls and guys) *smiles*.

4. We can go on luxurious vacations together *yay*.

5.Because I’m asking you too, nicely even!

6. Because this type of man can cook, and damnit you saw my fish stick moments. I cant cook. *cries*

7. His house would be fabulous and I love to decorate, we could have decorating parties, with just wine, no decorating.

8. Wouldn’t he look hot tied to a huge bed with his designer ties *drools*.

9.Well maybe the “Mr’Big” is really code for huge cock, you surely want me to be sexually satisfied, right?

10. When he trades me in for the new younger version of me, im taking 1/2. ill share, lol~