Where's My Xanax?

~What a Bad Idea~

Sorry Elly and Brian...~!!

Sorry Elly and Brian…~!!

Who ever came up with the idea that raking leaves is a good idea or even needed is a complete idiot *scowls*.

I felt motivated and anxious to get in the sun yesterday, so I decided I’d rake the leaves. Well, after 3 hours, half the yard is done, I have blisters on my hands, a slight sunburn and I can barely move today *sighs*.

But that is just the beginning. Have you ever raked leaves?

Is it just me, or does everyone have the problem of raking them into piles and then for some reason a gust of wind comes by and blows them out of your huge neat pile?

I raced frantically to get them back into tidy piles, one leaf at a time even *shrieks* and I think I spent an hour just making sure every leaf was off my yard, is this normal? *chuckles*.

Half of my yard looks fabulous today, but now I’m going to avoid doing the other half. So I’ll be only hanging out in half my yard this summer *shrugs*.

Raking really is a serious commitment, once you start, Look out!

With that said, I have come up with a little list of to do’s and dont’s when going out to rake.

1. Don’t try using a leaf blower. While this sounded so great in theory it really doesn’t work. In fact it made it worse, it took leaves to parts of the yard I didn’t even start and did you know that dogs hate those things? They chased me around the yard trying to bite me. It took me 12 minutes to realize that it was the leaf blower freaking them out. I did get a good cardio work out though *smiles*.

2. DO NOT try burning your leaves, especially without a hose hooked up. I live in a fenced in yard so yeah I thought I’ll just burn these piles, No one will know, see, so who needs a fire permit. Well, first off, it too is great in theory. But as I lighted the pile it ignited very fast and with a bit of wind. I realized I was in over my head and with no hose. I wasted 2 full Diet Cokes I had outside to put out my small brush fire *screams in fear*.

3. Hire a neighbor kid to bag leaves, as I realized it takes longer to bag leaves as it does to rake them. Oh wait, I have 2 girls, what was I even doing out raking in the first place, damn kids. This is why I had you, to shovel, rake and clean the house *winks*.

'Hey, it beats the heck out of raking.'

4. A Vaccum or shop vac doesn’t work *cries*. Well maybe if you have outlets close by and 300 feet of extensions cords?

5. Don’t be alarmed when small animals come jumping out at you. As their home was that leaf pile. I blew a rabbit near to death, no pun intended, just one more reason NOT to use the leaf blower.

6. Don’t shower before raking, as you will be covered in dirt, caterpillar guts and yes last years dog shit. I really need to do a better job in picking up shit around the yard *shrugs* on yeah and sweat as raking is hard manual labor which I have realized I am not cut out for.

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7. Use a mower with a bag. I am thinking this is worth the money. Runs out to Walmart to buy one before I even think about doing the other half of my yard *counts the money in her wallet*.

It just occurred to me, I have two do’s and a whole lot of dont’s probably cause raking blows and someone else should do it for me or I’ll just avoid raking all together. I’ll just lock the gate to my back yard and just avoid or move to the desert where there are NO trees or the beach *nods*.

I really started out with the idea that it would be fun, I’d get some sun and work done.

Really, what the fuck was I thinking…???

Happy Raking!

Oh before I go, a little facts that I’m sure you want to know before heading out to rake or NOT.

http://landscaping.about.com/od/landscapecolor/f/why_rake_leaves.htm

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~Rock and Roll, Baby~

I find myself in a hotel again this morning, drinking cold coffee sitting by the pool, watching normal people with normal lives. I kind of remember having one (a normal life that is). But then I started dating a rock star. Now my life is weekend gigs, snack bars, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Okay, Okay this is 2015, no one does drugs anymore and pssh. I think I drink more than the entire band put together *sighs*. Kind of disappointing.

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But yeah I traded a job for killer guitar riffs, rockin vocals, mind blowing drums solos, late nights, crazy schedules and loud music, “Huh” I can’t hear you. I may already have some hearing loss.

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Nahh, Just kidding. I can still hear you, sadly, lol.

Their are some major bonuses. I get to wear some great outfits, see some great bands, attend meet and greets and yeah dance all night long. But my new bedtime is like 2am, thats after a show, a snack, and washing off 3lbs of makeup. Only to be awaken in the am by the housekeeping because I once again forgot to leave the do not disturb sign up *grrrrr*.

o-HOTEL-HOUSEKEEPER-facebook

Knock, Knock, Housekeeping!

There is a down side, really there is.

1. You have to watch tons of other women oogle and google your man. *chuckles*.

2. You will no longer know what sleep is, as you will sleep very little and at late hours.

3. You eat out at least 2 meals a day and damn its hard to find good food choices. (especially at indian reservations). So a guaranteed 5lbs you will gain (ugh) *shrieks*

Looks at my waist line, or lack of it and just sighs.

But yeah Rock and Roll Baby, packs quickly for the next gig.

Keep Rockin…~!!

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~1-19-15~

This week’s Monday Mantra:

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Have a SUPER DUPER week….~!!

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~Asswipe And The Heat Guy~

The Heat Guy, Ok Its NOT!

The Heat Guy, Ok Its NOT, But let’s pretend it is!

So yeah the heat guy came over today. Did I mention he was totally hot and young? No he is NOT my boyfriend, YET *giggles*. He actually came over to light my fire, I mean furnace as it needed to be lit and I am afraid to do that kind of stuff as I would hate to blow my house up.

So, I let him in and offer him a drink (wine, whiskey, other) okay I am dreaming now *wakes up*.

Ha, I bet you thought I was going to write some hot steamy sex filled blog didn’t you?

Only thing hot and bothered was the furnace I assure you. Back to my story. He comes in the front door. I secure my little ankle biters in the bathroom as I would hate for two 4lb dogs to attack this man *shrieks*. I only sic my dogs on ugly, old guys.

He has to stroll through the living room, the kitchen, and climb over a baby gate I have mounted in the door way to the lower level as it meant to keep the ankle biters from peeing on the downstairs carpet without my knowledge. Free dogs to a good home *just kidding*.

Well first off the poor guy almost bites it trying to climb over. I held back my laughter as he may of hurt himself. That would of been awful as he probably could  sue. But it was funny *laughs about it now* So I follow him into the basement. Okay for some reason my ADHD mind just took me to a dark place as this sounds like it could be the beginning of a horror flick. I did not kill him. He left safely, I promise.

So, he lights my fire, I mean furnace and were making small talk. By small talk I mean talking about the weather and my dungeon. Dungeon is what I called the unfinished part of my basement (that the furnace is in).  Nice guy, really he was, he is not only hot but friendly. I have a heat man crush. It will last all of 2 minutes *nods*.

So, I mention about my upcoming divorce and all, hey I had to let him know this beautiful disaster aka me was available. I promise he had NO wedding ring on, so simmer down married women of the world *chuckles*. He told me he just went through a break up. “Aww, how sad, do you need someone to comfort you? By comfort you, I mean lets have crazy wild afternoon sex before my kids get home”.

AS if, I would say that to complete stranger. I am shy and innocent, Really I am! So we head back upstairs and I walk him to the door and thank him and tell him to have a nice Halloween, blah blah blah. He leaves.

I go in the bathroom to let the ankle biters out and I had toliet paper hanging from the back of my black yoga pants.

So much for me romping the heat guy, huh? *hits myself in the forehead*. “How embarrassing” *mortified once again*.

embarrassed

Moral to the story, once again there isn’t one, btw I use Charmin….=)

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~The END is Near~

divorced

Well the Ambien has kicked in and I really feel a bit loopy, but almost in tears. I am sure it is the drugs. But my marriage is finally coming to an end. My ex to be will finally be out of my house for good in two days. I am so excited. But I am also scared. I am so ready, have been for a long time. We have been separated for a very long time, but finances forced him back into the house. It’s been hard, he lives in the lower level. Me and the girls stay on the main and upper floors. But its like letting a stranger live in your home, except this stranger is mean and always comes in negative, negative from work, negative about his circumstance and surroundings, negative about his life. I mean I never meant anyone who could complain about absolutely nothing, but he could. I seriously don’t know how I made it through so happy and only partially damaged, but I can fix me. So I count the days, hours, minutes to my actual freedom. I can run naked screaming around the house. I can put laundry in downstairs without hearing a lecture. I can never have to deal with his little quirks and the toilet seat will never be left up *overjoyed*.

I am so happy. But yet my marriage will finally be over and that means I failed at something, something huge. But I can sincerely say I tried. I tried so very hard. So I’m okay with the end. I do hope we can maintain a friendship for our kids. As one swims and we used to travel to meets together. I am not sure how much that will change? Should it change? I just want it to be nice. I don’t think that two people who at one time loved each other so much, for so many years, should rip each other apart, and become hateful and bitter towards each other. I mean a bit of resentment is probably common. But can’t couples look at the fact that for years they did something so right and had something so wonderful, including kids I’d imagine. These are the things that should keep both parents on a good healthy path. Be happy. I mean your marriage failed but my/his story is yet to be written, Right? I believe every failed relationship brings you once step closer to the right one.

But as for now I just want him to be gone, poof like spell a little witch could grant. I look forward to freedom, calm, quiet, passive days with no drama. You have NO idea how excited I am. But yes I’m scared. I now have a huge house to take care of financially, I have kids to take care of emotionally and the to do list in my house is already long, as it just didn’t get done through the years of marriage. That has me overwhelmed, but one room at a time. Right?

wholedick

So Long Sucka!!

I Love to be here and be able to write down my feelings, I know generally I write snark, humor, but sometimes I’m just mellow Lisa too, ambien helps *giggles*. Thank you for listening, I know none of you know me, none of you care, but thanks for just reading, listening, nodding, sharking your head, saying, oh brother, and anything else that made it out of your mouth while having to read this blog.

So, now that you all know me and were friends, right?  Whose going to find me the elusive “Mr Big” type, you know good looking, powerful, rich, charming, dominant, witty, funny, intellectual, loves to travel, worldly personality, refined and all that..*ponders*.

Mr. Big

Mr. Big

10 Reasons to help me find a Mr. Big (type)

1. Because every hot guy, needs a hot blonde on his arm.

2. I need sex, and I want it soon, and this guy is yumm yumm!

3. You hook me up, Ill hook you up, Mr.Big always has friends…(girls and guys) *smiles*.

4. We can go on luxurious vacations together *yay*.

5.Because I’m asking you too, nicely even!

6. Because this type of man can cook, and damnit you saw my fish stick moments. I cant cook. *cries*

7. His house would be fabulous and I love to decorate, we could have decorating parties, with just wine, no decorating.

8. Wouldn’t he look hot tied to a huge bed with his designer ties *drools*.

9.Well maybe the “Mr’Big” is really code for huge cock, you surely want me to be sexually satisfied, right?

10. When he trades me in for the new younger version of me, im taking 1/2. ill share, lol~

bitch

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~The Night I Became a Groupie~

Ever wake up in the back of a rock band’s bus, in your underwear,  gum stuck in your hair, one of your shoes still on and a condom duct taped to the inside of your leg? Okay, Good I thought I was the only one *chuckles*. (oh, let me state is was an UNUSED condom)

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Groupie: A Slut that sleeps with bands.

Now before you get your undies in an uproar, I didn’t sleep with the band. Well I don’t think I did, LoL. But I did briefly date the lead guitarist. By date I mean we hung out in the back of the bus for 5 hours (give or take). You know, a heartfelt meaningful relationship.

For the record I won’t make you wonder long why the condom was unused duct taped to my inner thigh. And No I did not have a love child 9 months later. But wow, now wouldn’t that be a blog *smiles*.

Okay, sit down and shut up and let me finish my blog *looks stern at you*.

How does one end up in the back of a rock bands bus? I am still pondering this one but I am going to give you a few pointers from what I remember. Let me state the band I hung out with was playing a small venue in the state I live in.

1. Be beautiful.  If your not, well then. Yeah not sure what to tell you *shrugs*.

2. Dress Hot and by “HOT” I mean a school girl skirt, a white top and white knee highs and  heeled black Mary Jane’s  (Hey, it was a different decade that shit was popular!) Today that would mean, skinny jeans, black heels and a kick ass boobie bearing top. If you got it flaunt it, but keep it classy NOT trashy and NO I know your wondering I did not have pigtails in, that’s way to cliche.

3. Be able to carry on a conversation, you have to stand out! (Okay, I just re read that and I just spit my soda) I don’t think bands are really concerned with your communication skillz, at least not at this point.

4. You must get in the front row and shake what god gave you, I was lucky to have been blessed with dance moves. I am like a white Michael Jackson, okay, maybe I mean Janet. But I think you get my point? Right?

5. Make eye contact with the band, more importantly the one maybe you would love to be having blissful sex with 3 hours from now with? Now if you do want the whole band, well then your going to look like a crazy googly eyed bitch making eye contact, but hey if it works, let me know. Look at him/her/them with awe and enamor in your eyes. Everyone, even rock stars love to feel wanted/needed.

6. Pray to god that somehow, someway, you end up talking at the bar with one member if not more of the band or that you have made it back stage somehow, a connection helps. I however did not have a connection. You can always write I want to suck your cock after the show on a poster board with a black sharpie. Now that will get their attention and probably every sexual predator within 23 miles attention. But yeah?

I really think it was the alcohol and my charming good looks *smiles*.

It just occurred to me I am giving you pointers how to whore yourself out. Does that make me a pimp? Or is that when you pay me once you land the band?

groupie4

I am way off track here, anyway so somehow I am now invited unto the bus. let me assure you I am being a safe groupie/slut. I have a trusted sidekick with me. LoL.  So we both enter the bus. Fuck, have you ever seen a rock stars bus. Its like a house on wheels. I had to roll my tongue back in and wipe the drool off my chin *wipes up the drool*. Now let me state YOU will not be the ONLY girl/boy/animal on the bus. I’m joking I swear there was no donkey or animal on the bus. Well, there was this one girl. She was on all fours, barking, never mind.

This is where is you have to be able to be cool or maybe just get on your knees and ready to service, however I guess I chose the NO service route. I think for me it was the challenge to get on the bus and hey I loved to party. So lets fucking party like rock stars. Now let me state while many rock bands are now sober and etc. This band was not. They had booze and every drug known to man. Well a lot more than I had ever seen. Mind you I am a small town girl. I snorted coke off a chicks tits. No I didn’t know her, but damn her tits were great. Did I mention I’m ADHD and a Gemini? Cocaine is not a good drug for a hyperactive Gemini, were crazy enough already *anxiousl smile*. But oh how you can drink on cocaine. I really hope my kids aren’t reading this. “Kids, Drugs are bad, very very bad, now get back in bed!” or my mom, “Oh Hi Mom” *shrieks*.

Where was I, oh yeah I’m now not only a slut, but a coke whore fueling up on booze. So like any typical Wisconsin chick,  I say “Hey let’s play quarters”. Somehow, which I now think odd, everyone was down to play. This is where the story gets strange and let me give you the best advice you will ever hear. “NEVER PLAY QUARTERS WITH A ROCK BAND” apparently they are on the road for days and days and they will beat you, oh will they beat you. So a bottle of Absolute and Jack later. I am not sure I know my name. I think it’s Chloe, at least that’s what I’m going with, okay and my sidekick is Natasha? I know what your thinking, “Let’s Party” right? Who doesn’t want to party with a Chloe and Natasha. I think I should of picked Natasha *sighs*. Then someone says let’s play strip poker, that is another game they KNOW how to play, WELL.

So, Everyone is now drunk and half naked well maybe just me but everyone seems to be having fun, music is blaring, there is a manager and yeah that shit is really like the movies, there is a creepy guy or two sitting at the door of the bus on the couch, warding off ugly chicks or wives I suppose, just kidding, we all know wives would bust down the fucking door. I imagine they do a lot of masturbating or get sloppy seconds, thirds or whatever is left over. I don’t really want to know or think about it. *distraught look upon my face*.

Well anyway, 24 people have now become 12 and I think about this now and it had to be awkward, but at the time, yeah this was going to be a bucket list moment, I mean who doesn’t want to fuck a rock star? I am still raising my hand to that one. *googles hot rockstars* in their 40’s, jk. That’s crazy shit I chose to do when young, drunk and fueled up on other drugs. I wasn’t really thinking. So, out of no where this guy kisses me, yeah the lead guitarist, and OMG I can still remember the taste of his lips. It was probably the chick he had the night before *lmaooooo*. God, that’s a gross though, puked a little.

So, I won’t divulge the juicy details, oh yeah that’s cause I don’t remember. I hope it was good for him, oh yeah and me too. But I did wake up in just my underwear. Sidekick on the floor 10 feet away. My head was pounding. I slowly got up and grabbed my stuff. Now I am sure they are used to the “sneak out”. So I wasn’t too worried about offending him but I didn’t want to wake everyone so they could watch me take the walk of shame off the bus. I prodded the sidekick, she slowly snuck out with me. I never did find my other shoe or my bra and it took me a full day getting the gum out of my hair. But hey I ding donged a lead guitarist *proudly smirks*.

groupies

Oh this is NOT the end of my story, did you think I was done? A few days/ maybe a week later I get a strange call on my home phone, and yes this was when we used home phones. Well I think cell phones were out but not popular yet. I answer and “the guy” is on the other end. Yes the guitarist. I am thinking the worse. I mean why would HE be calling ME on the phone, he must have aids and the doctor has told him he has to tell his list. *oh fuck, Im dying*. Okay, he doesn’t have Aids. Wait, how does he even know my number? Yeah okay, I’m sure the drunk cocaine fueled Lisa, oh I mean Chloe gave it to him.  But why on earth is he calling me, ponders again.

The call went kind of like this.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes?

Him: How are you?

Me: Uhmmmm, I am good thank you for asking and you? *shocked and a bit confused*.

Him: I am good too, thank you for asking. (Actually he said tired, the road is hard and the nights are long) anyway.

Now I look back and why should I be shocked. I am a beautiful woman, who is a lot of fun and definitely could hold my own with a rock star. well not the drugs and alcohol. But yeah, I got what it takes. But back then, yeah I’m a bit confused.

Him: I am sure you are wondering why I’m calling you?

Me: Well, it is nice to hear from you but yeah kind of.

Him: I want to tell you I found your bra.

Me: Gasps, and is mortified and dumb founded.

Me: How do you know its mine.

Him: Well here’s the kicker Lisa. It has your name on it, with your phone number and says if lost call.

SHRIEKS, WTF, I did what? Now mind you I didn’t say anything. I sat here embarrassed.

Him: But.

OMG, there is a but. *crawls underneath a rock to die*. LoL.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes

Him: The thing you wrote Dear (his name) on the one side, the message on the other, as he read it again.

Sits here quiet yet, dying of humiliation.

Him: I just want you to know you are the first girl to do anything like that, girls throw their top, bras, panties and other unmentionables  on stage all the time, but the fact that you wrote me a cute personal little message was totally cool.

Me: Breathes and says Ohhhhhhhhhhh, and giggles.

Him: You definitely know how to get attention.

Me: So uhmm, can I ask you a question?

Him: Sure

Me: I woke up with gum in my hair and a condom duct taped to my leg, and no shoe (well and no bra but you solved that mystery) could you tell maybe give me a heads up, why?

Me: Oh and Did we?

Him: Have sex?

Me: Yes.

Him: You don’t remember?

Me: Well not every moment in full detail. Was I at least good *chuckles*.

Him: Wow, now this is a first. A girl who doesn’t remember my fabulous love making skills.

Just sits here, as I seriously I don’t remember.  I blame the drugs. (MAKES A NOTE: NEVER DO DRUGS AGAIN!)

Him: You demanded safe sex, so I went and got a condom, I came back and you were passed out, So I duct taped the condom to your inner thigh. Safe sex, you know?

So, there you have it all the answers, well not the lost shoe, but one shoe lost in a night of hard partying with a rock band, so worth the loss. The moral to the story. Don’t do drugs and safe sex is a must. Damn how boring is that bullshit. How do I tell my kids I passed out on a lead guitarist. God I’m fucking lame *shrugs in disappointment*.

I am never sure how I got the gum in my hair, but I did get it out without chopping off my hair, so it’s all good, thank ice cubes and peanut butter.

Well now my story is over, and before I go. I am going to share a little info:

Groupies

Kind of a cool article. I have read a few of the books listed. Pretty wild stuff, especially compared to  my rock band bus moment.

As the years have passed. I will say I had some fun times growing up, this being one of them, I wouldn’t take back too many things in my life no matter how crazy, wild, sad, wrong even they were, they made me the person I am today. Life is meant to be lived and I am living it every minute, and let me tell you. I can handle my liquor now, so yeah that bus would of been rockin, don’t come knockin~

SIDENOTE: Before the said guy threw me up against the wall and kissed me, we had really talked. It was kind of cool to hear his stories, that was between the coke on some chicks tits and the 2 bottles of booze and 3 games of strip poker I lost, thats why I’m in my undies duh. (Nahh, really he was an interesting guy, and when everyone started to bump like bunnies he was more than willing to just talk and hangout)

29 Comments »

~The Ouija~

VARIOUS - 2006

So, with it being October and Halloween right around the corner. I thought I’d throw a blog up about another right of passage. Why yes, “The Famous Ouija Board” *shivers a little*.  Let me start by giving you the definition;

The Ouija board (/ˈwə/ wee-jə), also known as a spirit board or talking board, is a flat board marked with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0–9, the words “yes”, “no”, “hello” (occasionally), and “goodbye”, along with various symbols and graphics. It uses a planchette (small heart-shaped piece of wood or plastic) as a movable indicator to indicate the spirit’s message by spelling it out on the board during a séance. Participants place their fingers on the planchette, and it is moved about the board to spell out words. “Ouija” has become a trademark that is often used generically to refer to any talking board.

Here are also a few rules about Ouija Boards (Courtesy of Ask.com) and of course my opinions and comments added.

  • Never use the Ouija Board alone! (What, I can’t conjure up spirits alone in the dark with my whiskey, *sighs*.)
  • Never use a Ouija Board if you are depressed, stressed, angry, upset, bored, furious, sad, scared, afraid, shocked, overconfident, or drowsy as you could let a demon into your life! (So basically this means it is going to stay in the box and never be used, well unless you are a happy, sunshiny, rainbow, unicorn type of person and yeah like they would have the balls to play, Actually “Overly Happy” people back away from this blog now, your happiness annoys me today.  Hmm to drowsy, I think Ambien and Ouija is in order later this evening *smiles* and let a demon in my life, Hello, I was married to a demon for over 16 yrs *shrugs*. I am NOT scared Ouija.)
  • If you get a demon, blessing the house could make the demon worse than it already was! (Divorce works, no crucifix needed!)
  • Don’t give the Ouija Board to someone else to give them problems! (Makes a list of people to give the Ouija too!)
  • Never use a Ouija Board if you think it is a game. (Wait, it’s not a game? I beg to differ Ask.com. It is sold at Toy’s R Us as a game board *miss know it all speaks up*.) Ouija Game Board
  • Never let the spirits count down through the numbers or go through the alphabet as they can get out of the board this way. (Wait, what spirits counting down through the numbers, there’s numbers on the board? I always just thought you asked it questions and pushed it to yes or no, depending on the answer YOU want and holy bajeesus,  smart spirits who count roaming around your house, sounds scary).
  • If the planchette goes to the four corners of the board it means that you have contacted an evil spirit or demon into your life!  (See this is why I never got to play, the demon in my home was always around, so the planchette would never move *sighs*.
  • You should never use a Ouija Board if you are a skeptic or an Atheist as you could get an evil spirit or demon! (Oh I BELIEVE!)
  • If the planchette falls from a Ouija board, a spirit will get loose. (Oh Shit, I just dropped the planchette, looks around for a spirit *perks*.)
  • If the planchette repeatedly makes a figure eight, it means that an evil spirit is in control of the board. (Or just an ice skater on acid?)
  • If you should get an evil spirit, quickly turn the planchette upside down and use it that way. (How do you know you have an evil spirit versus something/someone nice like Casper the friendly ghost or better yet Patrick Swayze? *ponders*.)
  • The board must be “closed” properly or evil spirits will remain behind to haunt the operator. (Uhmm, closed properly, it doesn’t fold or anything so how do you close a piece of wood? *sits here confused*.)
  • Never use the Ouija when you are ill or in a weakened condition since this may make you vulnerable to possession. (Well now I know why I can fly around on a broom, spit venom and spin my head in a full circle, it was because of the one time at band camp when I was ill and playing  the Ouija.)
  • The spirit of the Ouija board creates “wins” for the user, causing him to become more and more dependent on the board. Addiction follows. This is called “progressive entrapment.” (This sounds kind of like a bad marriage)
  • Evil spirits contacted through the Ouija board will try to win your confidence with false flattery and lies. (Oh Flattery will get you everywhere, bats my eyes.)
  • Always be respectful and never upset the spirits. (Whatever, Fuck You Ouija Spirits!)
  • Never use the Ouija in a graveyard or place where a terrible death has occurred or you will bring forth malevolent entities. (Oh my, I am actually nervous now. As I played “The Ouija” in my garden the other day *shrieks*.  But yeah, If I am hanging out in a graveyard with a gameboard. I question my sanity, a bit. Entities probably aren’t my worst problem.)
  • Witchboards are so named because witches use them to summon spirits. (Duh, Why do you think I OWN one!)
  • The very first Ouija boards were made from the wood of coffins. A coffin nail in the center of the planchette window served as the pointer. (Yeah mine was made in a factory, I’m safe!)
  • Sometimes an evil spirit can permanently “inhabit” a board. When this happens, no other spirits will be able to use it. (Well, this sounds boring and I bore easily, more spirits the merrier, “I always say!”)
  • When using a glass as a message indicator, you must always cleanse it first by holding it over a burning candle. (Oh I do more than that, I fill it with whiskey, Whiskey can kill and cleanse anything, here watch this. Takes a drink, I am cleansed *chuckles*. Okay now your turn!)
  • Ouija boards that are disposed of improperly, come back to haunt the owner. (I so know how to dispose of THINGS, so I need not worry about this one, trust me *smiles innocently*.)
  • Oh Shit, A Demon!

    Oh Shit, A Demon!

  • A Ouija Board will scream if you try to burn it. People who hear the scream have less than thirty-six hours to live. There is only one proper way to dispose of it: break the board into seven pieces, sprinkle it with Holy Water then bury it. (HOLY SHIT, seriously those are the only words that come to mind at the moment!)
  • If you must use a Ouija board, make your own. Arrange the letters and numbers, into a circle so whatever is trapped within that circle can’t escape. (Great, now it’s welfare hour, and NO ONE really MUST make a Ouija board, lol
  • If you place a pure silver coin on the board, no evil spirits will be able to come through. (Now you tell me, and then I can burn the same silver down to kill the werewolf in my basement?)
  • NEVER leave the planchette on the board if you aren’t using it. (Why, what happens?)
  • Lecherous spirits from the Ouija board will sometimes ask people to do rather . . . ah, personal things. Ignore them and always remember that your Ouija partner (i.e., girlfriend boyfriend husband wife ) has nothing to do with this. (Sure they dont!)
  • Never use a Ouija Board for “fun” because are being rude to the spirit who had really died and besides you don’t want to make fun of death because would not want to or want to hear someone contact or offend a dead person for fun! (If I’m not using it for fun, really what would I be using it for? As apparently contacting spirits, entities and demons seems inevitable by your analysis *shrugs*.)
  • Never use a Ouija Board online for fun and be careful with these because will really contact spirits through the online Ouija Board because spirits use frequencies to teleport with!  (What did they do when there was no internet and whose in, let’s online Ouija *invites you with a smile and a glass of whiskey*, the whiskey is for your online safety, of course.)
  • Never force the planchette away from any where like jerking the planchette for instance or pushing the planchette away from Goodbye other wise the spirit could get aggressive and/or violent or scream at you! (The board is going to scream at me, okay now I’m laughing, until an actual Ouija board screams at me, at which point I’d shit myself, seriously I would I am not going to worry much about it the last rule.)

Three things never to ask a Ouija board:

  • Never ask about God.
  • Never ask when you are going to die.
  • Never ask where the gold is buried.

Really, Ask.com those are the ONLY 3 things to NOT ask?

God is understandable as his wrath could be fierce~

Yikes to knowing the possible time of our death, If you knew would you live differently? Would you change things and if so, what would you change?  I guess knowing HOW you die could be worse as you would probably avoid anything related.  My advice here, live your life like there is no tomorrow, don’t put off today what you think you can do tomorrow, etc etc….=)

And yeah I guess asking for gold would summon Leprechauns to jump through the board, huh? *giggles*

5 things I want to ask the Ouija:

1. Does the washer and or dryer really eat the missing socks?

2. Will I ever lose that 10lbs?

3.Who is the father of my 3rd child?  *just kiddng*.

4. Where is the Gold, Ooops I forgot! *looks behind my back*.

5. Do other people scoop and eat right out of the peanut butter container in my cupboard, or just me?

Okay, I’m bored. Have a Good night and Happy Ouija-ing~!!

SIDENOTE: TWO GUYS and a OUIJA, below:

 

15 Comments »

~Dating, Don’t Do it~

 

date1

DATING:

When two people  in early stages of a relationship  go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple. This sounds simple, right? Well let me tell you, there is NOTHING simple about dating now a days *shrugs*

” I am going to give you 5 good reasons why you do not want to date in 2014.”

1. 20 percent of relationships now start online. That is 1 out of 5. So that means I will meet the potentially next GREAT thing on match.com, bdsm.com, christian.com, geek.com, pervert.com, mommasboy.com, divorcedandbitter.com, bigdick.com, richman4you.com or psycho.com. Wow, this really sounds like a catch I want to bring home to my kids and mom. Well, okay christian.com would be wonderful, for them. However bigdick.com sounds more promising to me *smiles big*. So you sit online for hours, days, weeks, months, years for some and either never meet and have some torrid online love affair or you meet. Which this is gonna go two ways, he is gonna look just like his pics and he is gonna be that wonderful guy he wrote himself to be in his profile or he is gonna be like dating Charles Manson, Well your safer dating Charles Manson as you cant actually be left alone with him. Oh, I forgot this is if he lives even remotely close, if he is on the other side of the world, well then you better hope you met him on richman4you.com as he will have to fly you to see him for visits. Good luck with this one. I have experience with this one, 6 months worth of experience and NO I didn’t find him on richman4you.com. It was bdsm.com *chuckles*.

2.The types of people out there to date:
1. He/She has been married 5x and has 3 sets of kids from 2 sets of wives/hubbies. Why yes, this is what your going to find in the dating scene, as the people you meet are going to be generally middle aged. Hello Stupid, if someone has been married 5x and hasn’t found what they are looking for. They are a serial dater/marrier. Run now and run fast!
 
2. The young guy looking for the cougar, no he isn’t really looking for a relationship, no matter what he says. He’s looking for sex and maybe even the woman to show him how to do it well even. As we all know “older women make better lovers”.
 
3. The old guy, and I mean crypt keeper old, who wants barbie on his arm. This one usually has money. And no self respecting Barbie would be caught dead on her grandpa’s arm, Right? I hope they know that money isn’t gonna keep the blood flowing to his flacid penis, so you will be getting NO sex….*eeks* Old men, need to date old women, period.
 
4.The guy/girl that are so happy and I mean happy, happy, happy, they see sunshine and unicorns, and by meeting they have found their soul mate, their other piece of heaven, the gods from above have answered all their prayers, they fall in love fast and hard. (well we all know its NOT real love) but more the lovey dovey lust good sex love, but hey you cant burst their bubbles. They are” IN” Love in two weeks, and ready to get married in 2 months. Well there is no helping these types. They will either get married and live happily ever after in their house made of graham crackers and candies with frosting rainbows and lemon drop rocks on the side of their door or they realize 3 months into, that they just don’t like each other and then its just sad and dramatic and the break up is long ….as they ohhhhhhh so love each other but just know that this their journey isn’t over. So they must go there own ways. They hug and kiss and thank Buddha above.*slaps both of these people* hard. Blame it on spirituality, *sighs*
 
5. And this one is the worst, you date the confused guy, he’s not gay, he don’t think. He has no specific type when it comes to girls. But hes 48 never been in a serious relationship, no wives, no kids? Longest gf was 3 months. This is what I refer to as the wont commit guy, this one will just break your heart. So Id cut your losses ASAP.
 
6.Dun Dun Dun, Dun you get the married guy trying to play single or separated and this guy will be great, he will know how to say all the right things, buy you flowers, trinkets, dinners, wine, that’s on all the NIGHTS he can show up, but but but, Johnny why cant I come over to your house. “Im remodelng Lisa”, Im sick, got the flu”, I got the boys coming over for a boys night, etc”  The elusive married man loves you when he can, when his wife is not around. This one is a no brainer, YOU dont ever have a chance to be THE woman, and why would you want to be, He is not the kind of man you can trust. *cuts this ones balls off* run.

Okay, touched based a bit on a few of the kinds of people/guys/gals you don’t want to date or that our out there….*shrugs*.

 3.Now lets say you have been talking awhile and decide to go out for an innocent dinner. 

dating2
The minute you see him eat, you are totally grossed out, and now is why not to date reason number 3. Now you have to make up a lie to get out of this awkward awful night, or you could buy a bottle of jack and start drinking, it ALL, then this date may actually get better….*hopes for you*
primo-appuntamento-300x199
 4.Next Date, handsome hunks drives up, opens the door, wines and dines you, says all the right things, and offers you the finer things in life, food, wine. Now the moment comes, you will want to play it cool, but what you really want is to go home and fuck. *pants* and wipes brow* Damn if you do and damned if you dont, your either gonna be the respectable girl or your gonna be the slutty girl. Who are you? which is it gonna be?
 
5. Your dates are over and now you either have not heard from the date, except for last tuesday when he wanted to tell you about his dog puking and that he thinks he may be sick. Then we have the one who calls and texts so much, you now need a secretary to take all the messages. I mean they are starting to feel stalker like, “when can I see you again? When can we kiss? When can I have you in my arms, When can I watch you eat? Touch your hair? yeah, this one here, this one will make you NEVER want to date again…effort is great…too much effort just plain creepy/needy and way over the top.
 
Okay there was just 5 simple reasons not to date in 2014. Let me add a few more:
1. You will have to shave your vajajay and definitely douche, often. 
2. You will have to get some condoms or make sure he has them, unless you want to be pregnant in 2015.
3. You will have to deal with his/her ex’s and trust me there is always an ex’s. And you being the next woman.
They will have to know all about you, They will stalk you on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,  and other social networks.
4. You will indeed have to put out. No one dates the girl who don’t put out and you will have to do that often.
5. You will have to pretend to sincerely care about subjects they talk about, like anal warts, premature ejaculation, balding issues.
6. You will have to give your life, love and time, so make sure you know what your getting yourself into. 
   (A Day With Charles Manson may not be something you soon forget if EVER.)
7. The girls will stop calling you as you are now taken material, so girls night invites wont be getting sent to you.
8. ONE moment of unprotected sex, you could be walking around with chlamydia and no that is not a new designer handbag.*sighs*
 So, If you still want to date this month, year, decade, good luck, bring mace, condoms, and make sure 911 is on your speed dial. Get some good razors, and I recommend  “summers eve’ country flowers douches…smell oh so nice and give you that really nice fresh feeling. And get yourself a pedicure. Ugly feet are such a turn off and maybe get a contact like the one below, stating intenton, LoL
Have each other fill this out~

Have each other fill this out~

 Feel free to let me know your dating stories, the good, the bad, the ugly. Id love to hear…..please~!!
 
9 Comments »

~How Does Your Garden Grow~

alligator2

What you love my flower garden? What kind of fertilizer do I use, you ask?

“Well, Well, Well”, stutters with my words in search for a response.

This is where I need to back this story up.

It’s 2010. I have been married to the same wonderful, good looking, hard working, charming, loving man for years, Oops I’m dreaming again, (wakes up from her fairy tale) Reality hits.

I am really now married to a stranger. A man who sometimes resembles the man I married but most days not so much. I like to believe (imagine) he aka the anti-christ, aka my husband has been abducted by aliens and they have replaced him with this negative, not so charming, often mean, asshole who now lives in my home.

The days are long and the nights are even longer. I find refuge in my kids and the couch. How did I, a smart, confident beautiful woman, marry such a man. Is this karma, biting me in the ASS for all I have done in my past or too others? Ponders this often. Anyway,  I am unhappily married. miserable to be honest, but making the best of it. I’m staying for the kids, I’m staying because I made a vow in front of god and family, I’m staying because that is what I do. I stick with something. Okay that’s all bullshit. I stay because it’s easy, leaving and starting over seems hard, overwhelming, down right terrifying to be honest. I stay because I choose to be comfortable over content and happy.

I start finding it easy to stay out (late) while out with friends, I find comfort in booze and men. I am making myself more and more miserable by the moment. not only am I married to the anti-christ, but I am now becoming someone, something I don’t even recognize. It’s time to make a stand, it’s time to leave. I can do this!

I tell the anti-christ I want a divorce, he laughs in my face. Literally, he laughs in my face. He proceeds to list off reasons I will never make it on my own and, and and. I hang my head low and walk away, shamefully. What was I thinking, I need this man, I need this life, I need my kids, I need this car, I need this PTA position. I need this, wait I don’t need this. No one needs/deserves/wants this kind of life. This is not happily ever after. This is not where this story is going to end, but I don’t leave, not yet.

My life is already dismal at this point. I have been sleeping on the couch for years, I have intimate moments when I am either completey drunk or on Ambien, is/was the sex bad, absolutely not, but sex with my husband makes me feel dirty, used and yukky. It is one of loneliest, degrading things you can ever feel, its like having sex with a stranger.

Wait I found solitude in strangers, sad and pathetic, I know, but it is what it is/was. A stranger says nice things, builds your ego and shows you a little attention, affection, what girl doesn’t want that. So it became almost an addiction. I went out more often looking for attention. Did it lead to sex always, absolutely not. But this is/was not a healthy way to live, or be.  I am the mother of 3 kids, how would this look? (Drinking, partying, staying out late) I for sure will not be invited to mom’s nights, morning coffee, to chaperone any upcoming school events and/or get an invite to the next PTA meeting *shrugs*.

Society has judged me as the cheater, the bad wife, ( i hear the whispers and see pointed fingers) what do they know of the life I live, what do they know of anything? Oh wait, Because I like so many others, paint my life to be picturesque, I make excuses for bad behavior or actions by my husband. I make excuses for almost everything and anything that doesn’t seem rainbow and unicorny. Now mind you, the anti-christ seems perfect to everyone on the outside. A man providing, a father, a brother, a son, a friend to a few, and yeah he is all those things, but there is so much more to this man, and not all of it so good.

Well the days are becoming almost unbearable, the fighting is at an all time high, this is not healthy for anyone involved. The putting me down is constant and I return with like minded immature behavior. I am truly at wits end. I can’t take much more. I need an out and I need it now. I lay awake on the couch thinking of ways out of this. Why does divorce not sound like an option, why am I brainwashed thinking this man is MY only way of  life, the only way that tomorrow will come. Tons of women get a divorce, tons of women don’t put up with an unhappy life, an unhappy existence. Tomorrow is the day, the day I will free myself, my kids, and him even, from this nightmare, this marriage,  this life.

I wake up early, I put on my happy face, I should have an academy award by now, from the acting and from putting on the “happy face”.  I decide I am going to write the anti-christ, as I have always been a writer. I find peace and ease in putting pencil to paper or this time I’m just too afraid he will interrupt me during my Dear Fuck You, I’m leaving letter or list off once again reasons why I cant live without him. I am determined, today is the day. So I sign the letter and send it, of course via Facebook and email and I wait. As I know there will be a reply. Something demeaning of course. Waits……..Still waiting. Okay no reply, Now I’m overly anxious, nervous and my anxiety is almost at panic mode. It is not like the anti-christ to not lash back. I feel like puking. I am crawling out of my own skin with anticipation for the fight I know will happen the moment he walks through the door.

4pm comes and the anti-christ pulls in the driveway, I take a deep breath and I am ready. I am ready to end this marriage. I am ready to start a new life. He comes in and acts nice, really he acts nice. I am thinking wtf, did I send it to the wrong email, the wrong Facebook? Runs to the computer to double check, Nope, it was sent to him. He offers to make dinner as he often does. I want to confront him, I now want to lash out, “Get out” I want to scream, “I hate you” I want to scream. “Why are you being nice” I want to scream, but instead quietly I am like did you get my email. He looks at me and says, “Yes and you are so dumb, I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere”.

So, a friend comes over a few months later for some mid morning coffee and is adoring my beautiful flower garden, she is really curious to what I’m using for fertilizer.

flowergarden2

Did I mention I am single!

 

Sidenote: Before I used my (ex to be) as fertilizer I will say, there was GOOD years, and 3 AMAZING kids and YES in case he reads this the sex was good (early years)  When you were still nice, LoL. But as some fairy tales end, so did mine. As for the anti christ, well I try to maintain a friendship with him, okay, we try to raise our two teenage daughters as adult “like” as we can and remember there are 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. As I am sure I am the “demon woman” to him, if he was writing the story and I’d be in the trunk of his car vs him in my garden.

12 Comments »

~Where’s My Hammer~

I woke ambitious.

Walks laundry down.

I am now out of nails and hammered my hand 12x.

BUT THE SHEET IS ON!!!

Too early for Xanax? Whiskey? Wine?

9 Comments »

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