~Oh Hell No~

Where the hell is Lisa…??

Seems like not to long ago. I was separated/single, blogging about my ex. Cynical, comical, outrageous even. Now I find myself wanting to bake, leave notes on the mirror and attend to a man. What the hell has happened to me? OMG, did I fall in love…*shrieks*..~!!

To be Continued………….~!!

~What a Bad Idea~

Sorry Elly and Brian…~!!

Who ever came up with the idea that raking leaves is a good idea or even needed is a complete idiot *scowls*.

I felt motivated and anxious to get in the sun yesterday, so I decided I’d rake the leaves. Well, after 3 hours, half the yard is done, I have blisters on my hands, a slight sunburn and I can barely move today *sighs*.

But that is just the beginning. Have you ever raked leaves?

Is it just me, or does everyone have the problem of raking them into piles and then for some reason a gust of wind comes by and blows them out of your huge neat pile?

I raced frantically to get them back into tidy piles, one leaf at a time even *shrieks* and I think I spent an hour just making sure every leaf was off my yard, is this normal? *chuckles*.

Half of my yard looks fabulous today, but now I’m going to avoid doing the other half. So I’ll be only hanging out in half my yard this summer *shrugs*.

Raking really is a serious commitment, once you start, Look out!

With that said, I have come up with a little list of to do’s and dont’s when going out to rake.

1. Don’t try using a leaf blower. While this sounded so great in theory it really doesn’t work. In fact it made it worse, it took leaves to parts of the yard I didn’t even start and did you know that dogs hate those things? They chased me around the yard trying to bite me. It took me 12 minutes to realize that it was the leaf blower freaking them out. I did get a good cardio work out though *smiles*.

2. DO NOT try burning your leaves, especially without a hose hooked up. I live in a fenced in yard so yeah I thought I’ll just burn these piles, No one will know, see, so who needs a fire permit. Well, first off, it too is great in theory. But as I lighted the pile it ignited very fast and with a bit of wind. I realized I was in over my head and with no hose. I wasted 2 full Diet Cokes I had outside to put out my small brush fire *screams in fear*.

3. Hire a neighbor kid to bag leaves, as I realized it takes longer to bag leaves as it does to rake them. Oh wait, I have 2 girls, what was I even doing out raking in the first place, damn kids. This is why I had you, to shovel, rake and clean the house *winks*.

4. A Vaccum or shop vac doesn’t work *cries*. Well maybe if you have outlets close by and 300 feet of extensions cords?

5. Don’t be alarmed when small animals come jumping out at you. As their home was that leaf pile. I blew a rabbit near to death, no pun intended, just one more reason NOT to use the leaf blower.

6. Don’t shower before raking, as you will be covered in dirt, caterpillar guts and yes last years dog shit. I really need to do a better job in picking up shit around the yard *shrugs* on yeah and sweat as raking is hard manual labor which I have realized I am not cut out for.

7. Use a mower with a bag. I am thinking this is worth the money. Runs out to Walmart to buy one before I even think about doing the other half of my yard *counts the money in her wallet*.

It just occurred to me, I have two do’s and a whole lot of dont’s probably cause raking blows and someone else should do it for me or I’ll just avoid raking all together. I’ll just lock the gate to my back yard and just avoid or move to the desert where there are NO trees or the beach *nods*.

I really started out with the idea that it would be fun, I’d get some sun and work done.

Really, what the fuck was I thinking…???

Happy Raking!

Oh before I go, a little facts that I’m sure you want to know before heading out to rake or NOT.

http://landscaping.about.com/od/landscapecolor/f/why_rake_leaves.htm

~What, You Don’t Like Porn?~

It never occurred to me that not everyone enjoys porn? I mean really, how is that even possible? I mean this is the Sex and the city generation. Girls can screw freely and not be considered sluts, we can talk about masturbation, cock size, blow jobs and anal sex but bring up that you love porn and yep, you now have 12 less facebook friends and people are pointing at you at walmart  *sighs*.

There goes my chance for mom of the year again and that PTA has told me they won’t need my help for the annual school play. I mean really. I wasn’t gonna do porn. I just like watching porn *chuckles*.

So with that said. I figured I would make a top 10 list, why porn rocks for all you holy roller, up tight frugal bitches, lol as there is no way men can even be grouped in this. Because yeah, ALL men love porn, Right? *ponders*.

Before I begin, Mom you may not want to read this one!

Okay, are you ready?

Number 1:

It’s a way to live out secret fantasies, without being ganged banged by 8 guys in the local Super 8 or sharing your partner with the ladies at book club night.

Number 2:

It’s an Equal Opportunity Employer:

Granted you are 18 and over….ok not too much over. I do not want to see saggy anything *shrieks*.

Number 3:

The Camera adds 10 lbs. Okay I meant 10 inches. I mean yeah we “women” can say we don’t like to see manhood, but yeah WE all know that we do *nods and wipes the drool from my mouth*.

Number 4:

It cum’s to you! No PUN intended, okay pun intended *smiles*

Number 5:

It’s a great prequel to your relationship, sex life, etc. Okay uptight chicks I know your saying. I don’t need that, maybe not, but watch it and see how much better your sex life is and how much better you man does you, Really I dare you to do it and than get back to me. I’ll be waiting for the OMG this chick was SO right.

Number 6:

It can keep you more focused. You know watch and play along or should I say screw along *giggles*. I mean women over think  usually. I mean ever romp and be thinking about the fact you have to take the dog out, what you need for dinner groceries and oh shit I left laundry in the dryer and this new mascara is awesome. Tell me that is leading you to reach the BIG O, I am guessing no, no and NO.

Number 7:

You can learn new moves. I mean wow. Looks at screen and says, Oh My, she is hanging from the ceiling, with no net. Goes directly into bedroom and sees how I can hang from ceiling *looks around*. Bust out that porn and learn some new moves, your boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow *smiles*. He will thank you, oh will HE thank you, or thank me and this blog. Sitting bull, ear muffs, bent spoon, big dipper, pirates bounty, twisted doggy *nods* these are all real actual positions. Know how I know, yeah because I just got done watching porn *chuckles*.

Number 8:

It get’s you in the mood, really it does. The ONLY people saying oh hell no, are the people too uptight to check it out, really I would not lead you wrong *well*.

Number 9:

It’s comical. Yes really, Ever see foreign porn or when the lips don’t match. It is a new Friday night comedy. I assure you *busts out laughing*.

Number 10:

It’s FREE.

Okay, If those aren’t enough reasons to get you to watch porn, then you totally suck and there is no fun for you. Now I am not saying to watch porn all day, every day as I don’t want your psych doctor calling me up blaming me for your new addiction. But with an open mind it can be fun.

Happy Porn-ing!

~Santa Baby~

Nooooooooooooooooooo, NOT AGAIN….~!!

“Screamsssssssssssssss” I swear if I hear this version or any other version of this song one more time. I may go completely insane, yank my own hair out maybe even. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a grinch or a buh humm-bugger but this song is just over played. I have not gotten into my car once without hearing this. What happened to Jingle Bells or Do they know it’s Christmas time, anything besides this song. It makes me want to put hot pokers in my eyes or rip my ears off, lol. Help me Lord, NO MORE SANTA BABY, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee~!!!

“SITS ON SANTA’S LAP”

Dear Santa,

I have been good.

I even sat on your lap.

You smiled and bounced me around and told me.

I indeed was a very good little girl.

You Assured me you would bring me what I wanted this year as you groped my breast.

So, PLEASE kidnap all currently living singers of “Santa Baby” and hide them until after xmas, please!

Thank you from the possibly violated girl who was groped and bounced and fondled on your lap!

Happy Holidays….~!!

~For The Love of a Good Dickie~

Seriously Cousin Eddie, where did you get that fabulous dickie? I am utterly jealous of how it makes your neck look so slim *chuckles*.

Did you notice how you can clearly see the black square under the white sweater? I am fashion savvy so you know I did *shrieks* at the catastrophe of bad dickie placement.

I loved National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation it is like a right of passage for the holidays. With that said. I am going to list a few of my favorite memories of “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation”.

1.

Let’s GREASE this thing.

You have to know that if you grease a metal saucer, bad things are going to happen *smiles*.

Oh Shitttttttttt….!!

Somebody out there needs to make this stuff. Yo scientists! Forget about curing cancer… THIS is what society demands! Sled Lube *giggles*.

2.

Wearing nothing but a short bathrobe, Cousin Eddie stands outside early one winter morning with a cigar in his mouth and a beer in one hand while he empties out the “shitter” from his R/V into a nearby storm sewer. Clark’s neighbor Todd steps outside for his morning jog, but when he sees Eddie raise his beer up in the air and shout, “Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!” *this was classic*.

3.

“Snots”

Gotta love the so-called pride and joy of cousin Eddie’s family is a dog called “Snots” – named because of a sinus condition that appears to cause the dog to leak mucus all over its face. This dog was a riot, it made crazy noises while yakking on a bone. Everyone needs a pet like “Snots” *nods*.

4.

Drink Up Clark!

Everyone needs moose mugs, I can only imagine how good holiday booze tastes in one of these, “Chants” Moose Mugs, Moose Mugs, Moose Mugs. They are the bomb!

Get yours Today! Moose Mugs!

5.

Squirrel!

It’s the look of ultimate fear overcoming the old man’s face combined with his scream of “SQUIRREL!” that easily makes this one of the greatest moments in the movie *chuckles*.

6.

Loved the houselights and everything that leads up to the lighting of them, the ONLY gripe I have is, Clark, you realy should of used colored lights *sighs*.

7.

Absolutely LOVED Todd and Margo the yuppy neighbors, it seems no matter what Clark does, it always somehow results in making Todd and Margo’s life a living hell which is drop dead funny.

8.

The End!

What were your favorite parts?

 

Sidenote:

Did you know this kid NEVER said ONE word…..??

~Thanksgiving, It Will Cost You~

Here’s a little info no one really probably wanted to know, but yeah READ it anyway, lol.

Okay, I must comment on a few of these facts.

1. Delayed flights really? I fly out of CWA and I have yet to ever leave on time, EVER, so I can’t even imagine on or around the holidays *shrugs*.

2. 5-7 hours preparing Thanksgiving dinner, Golden Corral is looking better by the minute.

3. 400 calories in cup of stuffing is insane as it doesn’t even taste that great.

4. 21 million fires, I may have to make Thanksgiving dinner in my garage as I need a new one. Someone have matches? (Just kidding insurance company).

5. 30 miles of walking to burn off the average meal. I guess I’ll only have to take the taxi home from Golden Corral, that’s great news.

6. Is 16 lbs the average turkey and how many people will that typically feed? Anyone know?

7. Another reason I don’t have Thanksgiving dinner. If a turkey takes 4 hours and I want to eat at noon. I have to have that thing prepared and in the oven by 8 am. That is NOT happening anytime soon *chuckles*.

8. Mega Clog, is this in the kitchen or the bathroom? I am almost afraid to know? Just remember this when inviting all your relatives to Thanksgiving dinner, they will all be taking a dump in your bathroom *shrieks and giggles*.

Happy Turkey Facts!

~Barbie, What a Lucky Bitch~

Barbie, that bitch has it all. Gotta love that bumper sticker and yeah, it’s oh so very true. I mean really, who wouldn’t want barbies life? Here’s a short list of the reason’s I would love to be Barbie.

1. She never has to eat, because really who has time for that shit?

2. When she gets sick of one man, Mattel just makes her a new one and he is always hot.

3. She has dream houses, dream cars and dream vacations and never has to pay for it.

4. She hasn’t had to have a job, ever. 1959 to current.

5. She doesn’t age or gain weight.

6. She never has to shave.

7. Her makeup is built in. What a wonderful thing that would be, huh?

8. Her shoe, purse, clothes and accessories are never ending. Could you imagine?

9. She travels for free. I mean what little girl hasn’t taken Barbie on vacation at some point.

10. She never feels hurt or heartbroken, Hell, that bitch has never even cried.

11. Her shit doesn’t stink and will never have to worry about toliet paper hanging from her pants.

12. She will never have saggy boobs you have to tuck in her pants.

13. She looks great in 101 different positions. (Quick thinking sexual thoughts, ya perverts) *chuckles*

14. Her hair is never dry. I mean seriously what conditioner is she using?

15. She never has to exercise!

16. Her skin is fabulous, she has never had a zit, EVER!

17. She has never had to deal with a bill collector or salesman/woman via the telephone!

18. She never has to sleep.

19. No box coloring for her, did I mention earlier, how great her hair is?

20. She’s ICON famous!

What did I tell you, Barbie has it all. I can think of a few things I wouldn’t want about Barbie’s life though.

Below are a few.

1. She’s been played with so much, she could be a porn star.

2. She has never had the joy of pregnancy and kids. (okay maybe that is on the plus side, jk)

3. Mattel had to make friends for her.

4. Her sex life!

Where’s YOUR Penis?

Yeah, that just ruined it for me. I’ll stick to my life, full of diets, exercise, saggy boobs, dry hair, zits, break ups, kids work, sleepless nights, box colors and real men who have uhmm yeah, that. *smiles*.

Did you own a Barbie or Ken/other?

Here are a few facts I bet you didn’t know about Barbie.

Surprising things I bet you didn’t know about Barbie!

 

~Reasons I Don’t Host Thanksgiving~

The reasons I DON”T host Thanksgiving dinner, well besides the fact that I can’t cook. If you remember, I burn fish sticks. Could you imagine me with a turkey and a turkey baster *chuckles* Actually I could think of things to do with a turkey baster, but that is for my later porn edition blog, okay? *smiles*.

Okay so here we go, ready?

1. No one likes my gravy out of the jar. What and how are you supposed to make it, I don’t even own a cook book?

I love this stuff!

2. I don’t smoke and have relatives who do, making them stand in 20 below and snow, is that wrong?

3. I have two teenage girls, I have not seen a full set of plates and silverware since the 90’s *sighs* and no one seems to enjoy my paper plates.

4. Is a turkey thermometer really needed to make a turkey.

Ill take one for xmas please.

5.The last time I hosted, I uhmm, “What your supposed to take out that package of gibbies in the inside of the turkey”? *shrieks*

(A heads up, you cook that stuff inside the turkey, and your house will smell bad for days)

6. Stuff the turkey, what the hell is stove top for then?

Was I supposed to put this in the Turkey?

7. Normally on holidays you have that one crazy family member, well when hosted somewhere else, they can kick that person out, they cant when that person is hosting *ha ha ha*.

8.No one shares my love for wine, whiskey and cooking. “shouts, turk the carvey”, (Someone says put the drink down Lisa) *Fine*.

9. My ex doesn’t trust me in an apron and a knife. Well this one, probably for good reason *evily grins*.

10. I once tried making a mince meat pie with left over lunch meat? What, its meat.

Golden Corral never sounded so good, huh?

http://www.goldencorral.com/

Nahh, we go to my mom’s she cooks so amazing and uhhuh she knows how to make gravy even *proud daughter*.

Well before I go, just for shits and giggles. I am going to leave you a recipe and because I said I would NEVER post one. You really better make sure to copy this one down.

All you need to know, to make GREAT gravy.

Happy Turkey Baking.

 

~How To Cook a Turkey~

MORE TURKEY INFO TODAY!

I thought I would share an old family recipe. So today, It’s how to cook the perfect Turkey.

Happy Carving!

Sidenote: If you really do cook your turkey like this, your family will probably end up and KFC and you will never be invited to another family holiday again or you’ll be the “CRAZY” relative, people only speak about in whispers, giggles and rolled eyes.

~I Bet You Didn’t Know~

15 days til Turkey Day. So today, you get 83 fun facts about Turkeys.

okay now I had to commentate a bit on some of these facts. 

The snood: It looks to me like saggy old man balls. (wait i have never seen old man balls) but this is what i would imagine they look like…*chuckles*

Turkeys can run up to 20mph, wow that’s fast, too bad a bullet travels much faster *sniff sniff for the turkeys*.

June is National Turkey lovers month, Really? I generally am eating hamburgers, brats and hots dogs, as its BBQ time aka summer…=)

The heaviest turkey weighed 86 lbs. Damn it may need a diet. That’s fat for something that is only 2 feet tall *ponders*.

Wow Turkeys can detect motion 100 yards away. I found me  some new yard security….Gobble Gobble Security and i dare you to run away, they run 20 mph, so good luck with that suckers *chuckles*.

Dang right Turkey consumption has went up by 108 %, since 1970. I was born in 70 and I like my turkey *licks my fingers*.

Turkey feathers were used to stabilize arrows. This one I am clueless too, It’s a native american thing *nods*.

28 days for a turkey egg to hatch, ok so thats the baby, how long til we can eat him?

Dang, 675 million pounds of turkeys are consumed each thanksgiving in the US.

Can you imagine how much mashed potatoes, corn, bread and desserts and gravy that is consumed?

Well it says 83 facts, but yeah I do know how to count and I only see 9.

The article lied, but hey much more thanksgiving and turkey day blogs coming, so don’t be sad…*hands you a kleenex* to wipe your tears.

(Graphics Courtesy of Pinterest)