Where's My Xanax?

~What a Bad Idea~

Sorry Elly and Brian...~!!

Sorry Elly and Brian…~!!

Who ever came up with the idea that raking leaves is a good idea or even needed is a complete idiot *scowls*.

I felt motivated and anxious to get in the sun yesterday, so I decided I’d rake the leaves. Well, after 3 hours, half the yard is done, I have blisters on my hands, a slight sunburn and I can barely move today *sighs*.

But that is just the beginning. Have you ever raked leaves?

Is it just me, or does everyone have the problem of raking them into piles and then for some reason a gust of wind comes by and blows them out of your huge neat pile?

I raced frantically to get them back into tidy piles, one leaf at a time even *shrieks* and I think I spent an hour just making sure every leaf was off my yard, is this normal? *chuckles*.

Half of my yard looks fabulous today, but now I’m going to avoid doing the other half. So I’ll be only hanging out in half my yard this summer *shrugs*.

Raking really is a serious commitment, once you start, Look out!

With that said, I have come up with a little list of to do’s and dont’s when going out to rake.

1. Don’t try using a leaf blower. While this sounded so great in theory it really doesn’t work. In fact it made it worse, it took leaves to parts of the yard I didn’t even start and did you know that dogs hate those things? They chased me around the yard trying to bite me. It took me 12 minutes to realize that it was the leaf blower freaking them out. I did get a good cardio work out though *smiles*.

2. DO NOT try burning your leaves, especially without a hose hooked up. I live in a fenced in yard so yeah I thought I’ll just burn these piles, No one will know, see, so who needs a fire permit. Well, first off, it too is great in theory. But as I lighted the pile it ignited very fast and with a bit of wind. I realized I was in over my head and with no hose. I wasted 2 full Diet Cokes I had outside to put out my small brush fire *screams in fear*.

3. Hire a neighbor kid to bag leaves, as I realized it takes longer to bag leaves as it does to rake them. Oh wait, I have 2 girls, what was I even doing out raking in the first place, damn kids. This is why I had you, to shovel, rake and clean the house *winks*.

'Hey, it beats the heck out of raking.'

4. A Vaccum or shop vac doesn’t work *cries*. Well maybe if you have outlets close by and 300 feet of extensions cords?

5. Don’t be alarmed when small animals come jumping out at you. As their home was that leaf pile. I blew a rabbit near to death, no pun intended, just one more reason NOT to use the leaf blower.

6. Don’t shower before raking, as you will be covered in dirt, caterpillar guts and yes last years dog shit. I really need to do a better job in picking up shit around the yard *shrugs* on yeah and sweat as raking is hard manual labor which I have realized I am not cut out for.

tumblr_lu93lpgEuS1r0vvh7o1_400

7. Use a mower with a bag. I am thinking this is worth the money. Runs out to Walmart to buy one before I even think about doing the other half of my yard *counts the money in her wallet*.

It just occurred to me, I have two do’s and a whole lot of dont’s probably cause raking blows and someone else should do it for me or I’ll just avoid raking all together. I’ll just lock the gate to my back yard and just avoid or move to the desert where there are NO trees or the beach *nods*.

I really started out with the idea that it would be fun, I’d get some sun and work done.

Really, what the fuck was I thinking…???

Happy Raking!

Oh before I go, a little facts that I’m sure you want to know before heading out to rake or NOT.

http://landscaping.about.com/od/landscapecolor/f/why_rake_leaves.htm

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~Twinkle Twinkle~

fuckedup

I spent the day cleaning and decorating. Have I mentioned I hate decorating and I hate cleaning even more. I mean groups of 3, groups of 5. Themes, colors, Height, really can’t I just stack these 25 books here and yeah I’ll leave that cute prim shelf bare. Do you know how many times. I moved stuff around, only to then shove it in a drawer and not use it all. I am not sure about the rest of you but decorating sucks. I did re finish my kitchen table and four chairs by taking it from brown to black. Now that I enjoyed. I may have more paint on me then the table, but yeah it’s finished and looks pretty kick ass if you ask me.

Kitchen re finished…~

Kithcen2

bathroom1

Knick knacks added to small bathroom

Bathroom

Long View of Bathroom!

Last week someone asked me to come decorate their house and by all means I will, give me a bottle of wine and I’ll decorate all right. Brings a stapler and some fun paper. “Staples paper to the walls”, wholla a new look. “Oh, how beautiful”. EVERYTHING looks good while drinking wine or whiskey or both. Well, If I decorate for her, she has no budget so you can then get whatever you want. Im on welfare budgeting. Which means I find stuff around the house and re decorate with it, paint it, antique it, whatever it takes to make it look good. candles everywhere. I could burn a house down or two with all the candles I have in my home.

Now that you saw a bit of my decorating, can you see why I get frustrated, no table cloth or centerpiece on table, nothing on the shelf as I cant find anything I like. I need to hit Hobby lobby, giggles.

I broke so many rules, NO groups of 3. I have a vase with flowers on my table  and its too high would not be good for sitting down and eating it would be in your way unless you sit across from each other as i have my seats in different. *basically* because Im cool….=)

Okay, so lets go with:

Top 10 reasons I will never be Martha Stewart.

marthas

1. I don’t like jail.

2. I can’t fold hospital corner sheets, sorry but people who do, have way to much time on their hands and are VERY anal *just saying*.

3. Unless I have a measuring cup I don’t know 2/3 from 1/3. Martha don’t need a measuring cup *shrugs*.

4. I can’t make a decent flower arrangement to save my life, that’s why I call FTD to do my flower work. *smiles*.

5. She’s written some great decorating and living and cooking books. ( I cant even put recipes on a blog) *shrugs*.

6. I am not personal friends with Julia Child’s. Oh, I wish I was though! Bitches should invite me over. I can make some cupcakes.

7.These women drink wine and talk cooking. I can drink the wine, but yeah I don’t cook, Ill talk fish sticks?

8.Sweet Cream and Sour Cream are the same things right? LoL

9.I like to exercise. (Martha’s idea of exericse is sitting down with 3 scones and tea, yeah thats a workout, lol)

10. I still think she may be into chicks, sorry but I just do. *sighs*.

Well hats off to her, she has made her reign on the cooking and decorating world, even after a stint in prison, she is sill rockin and rollin.

Way To Go Martha…!!

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star

How I wish Martha would come pack my car

Show me how to organzie

Traveling blankies for the ride

Make a craft or maybe two, for the ride to sandmangoo

Looking up at the starts so bright, I see martha stewart, shes a shining light

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I’ll make fish sticks and drink from my home bar.

So I guess in fact you don’t have to pack my car.

But thanks for offering, your a dream, now run along and play with your pudding and cream.

8 Comments »

~How Does Your Garden Grow~

alligator2

What you love my flower garden? What kind of fertilizer do I use, you ask?

“Well, Well, Well”, stutters with my words in search for a response.

This is where I need to back this story up.

It’s 2010. I have been married to the same wonderful, good looking, hard working, charming, loving man for years, Oops I’m dreaming again, (wakes up from her fairy tale) Reality hits.

I am really now married to a stranger. A man who sometimes resembles the man I married but most days not so much. I like to believe (imagine) he aka the anti-christ, aka my husband has been abducted by aliens and they have replaced him with this negative, not so charming, often mean, asshole who now lives in my home.

The days are long and the nights are even longer. I find refuge in my kids and the couch. How did I, a smart, confident beautiful woman, marry such a man. Is this karma, biting me in the ASS for all I have done in my past or too others? Ponders this often. Anyway,  I am unhappily married. miserable to be honest, but making the best of it. I’m staying for the kids, I’m staying because I made a vow in front of god and family, I’m staying because that is what I do. I stick with something. Okay that’s all bullshit. I stay because it’s easy, leaving and starting over seems hard, overwhelming, down right terrifying to be honest. I stay because I choose to be comfortable over content and happy.

I start finding it easy to stay out (late) while out with friends, I find comfort in booze and men. I am making myself more and more miserable by the moment. not only am I married to the anti-christ, but I am now becoming someone, something I don’t even recognize. It’s time to make a stand, it’s time to leave. I can do this!

I tell the anti-christ I want a divorce, he laughs in my face. Literally, he laughs in my face. He proceeds to list off reasons I will never make it on my own and, and and. I hang my head low and walk away, shamefully. What was I thinking, I need this man, I need this life, I need my kids, I need this car, I need this PTA position. I need this, wait I don’t need this. No one needs/deserves/wants this kind of life. This is not happily ever after. This is not where this story is going to end, but I don’t leave, not yet.

My life is already dismal at this point. I have been sleeping on the couch for years, I have intimate moments when I am either completey drunk or on Ambien, is/was the sex bad, absolutely not, but sex with my husband makes me feel dirty, used and yukky. It is one of loneliest, degrading things you can ever feel, its like having sex with a stranger.

Wait I found solitude in strangers, sad and pathetic, I know, but it is what it is/was. A stranger says nice things, builds your ego and shows you a little attention, affection, what girl doesn’t want that. So it became almost an addiction. I went out more often looking for attention. Did it lead to sex always, absolutely not. But this is/was not a healthy way to live, or be.  I am the mother of 3 kids, how would this look? (Drinking, partying, staying out late) I for sure will not be invited to mom’s nights, morning coffee, to chaperone any upcoming school events and/or get an invite to the next PTA meeting *shrugs*.

Society has judged me as the cheater, the bad wife, ( i hear the whispers and see pointed fingers) what do they know of the life I live, what do they know of anything? Oh wait, Because I like so many others, paint my life to be picturesque, I make excuses for bad behavior or actions by my husband. I make excuses for almost everything and anything that doesn’t seem rainbow and unicorny. Now mind you, the anti-christ seems perfect to everyone on the outside. A man providing, a father, a brother, a son, a friend to a few, and yeah he is all those things, but there is so much more to this man, and not all of it so good.

Well the days are becoming almost unbearable, the fighting is at an all time high, this is not healthy for anyone involved. The putting me down is constant and I return with like minded immature behavior. I am truly at wits end. I can’t take much more. I need an out and I need it now. I lay awake on the couch thinking of ways out of this. Why does divorce not sound like an option, why am I brainwashed thinking this man is MY only way of  life, the only way that tomorrow will come. Tons of women get a divorce, tons of women don’t put up with an unhappy life, an unhappy existence. Tomorrow is the day, the day I will free myself, my kids, and him even, from this nightmare, this marriage,  this life.

I wake up early, I put on my happy face, I should have an academy award by now, from the acting and from putting on the “happy face”.  I decide I am going to write the anti-christ, as I have always been a writer. I find peace and ease in putting pencil to paper or this time I’m just too afraid he will interrupt me during my Dear Fuck You, I’m leaving letter or list off once again reasons why I cant live without him. I am determined, today is the day. So I sign the letter and send it, of course via Facebook and email and I wait. As I know there will be a reply. Something demeaning of course. Waits……..Still waiting. Okay no reply, Now I’m overly anxious, nervous and my anxiety is almost at panic mode. It is not like the anti-christ to not lash back. I feel like puking. I am crawling out of my own skin with anticipation for the fight I know will happen the moment he walks through the door.

4pm comes and the anti-christ pulls in the driveway, I take a deep breath and I am ready. I am ready to end this marriage. I am ready to start a new life. He comes in and acts nice, really he acts nice. I am thinking wtf, did I send it to the wrong email, the wrong Facebook? Runs to the computer to double check, Nope, it was sent to him. He offers to make dinner as he often does. I want to confront him, I now want to lash out, “Get out” I want to scream, “I hate you” I want to scream. “Why are you being nice” I want to scream, but instead quietly I am like did you get my email. He looks at me and says, “Yes and you are so dumb, I’m not leaving, I’m not going anywhere”.

So, a friend comes over a few months later for some mid morning coffee and is adoring my beautiful flower garden, she is really curious to what I’m using for fertilizer.

flowergarden2

Did I mention I am single!

 

Sidenote: Before I used my (ex to be) as fertilizer I will say, there was GOOD years, and 3 AMAZING kids and YES in case he reads this the sex was good (early years)  When you were still nice, LoL. But as some fairy tales end, so did mine. As for the anti christ, well I try to maintain a friendship with him, okay, we try to raise our two teenage daughters as adult “like” as we can and remember there are 3 sides to a story, his, hers and the truth. As I am sure I am the “demon woman” to him, if he was writing the story and I’d be in the trunk of his car vs him in my garden.

12 Comments »

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