Where's My Xanax?

~Oh Hell No~

Where the hell is Lisa…??

Seems like not to long ago. I was separated/single, blogging about my ex. Cynical, comical, outrageous even. Now I find myself wanting to bake, leave notes on the mirror and attend to a man. What the hell has happened to me? OMG, did I fall in love…*shrieks*..~!!

1b983728c311a99865058ef37449ec51

To be Continued………….~!!

Advertisements
2 Comments »

~Rock and Roll, Baby~

I find myself in a hotel again this morning, drinking cold coffee sitting by the pool, watching normal people with normal lives. I kind of remember having one (a normal life that is). But then I started dating a rock star. Now my life is weekend gigs, snack bars, sex, drugs and rock and roll. Okay, Okay this is 2015, no one does drugs anymore and pssh. I think I drink more than the entire band put together *sighs*. Kind of disappointing.

sex-drugs-rock-n-roll-i12851

But yeah I traded a job for killer guitar riffs, rockin vocals, mind blowing drums solos, late nights, crazy schedules and loud music, “Huh” I can’t hear you. I may already have some hearing loss.

300x300

Nahh, Just kidding. I can still hear you, sadly, lol.

Their are some major bonuses. I get to wear some great outfits, see some great bands, attend meet and greets and yeah dance all night long. But my new bedtime is like 2am, thats after a show, a snack, and washing off 3lbs of makeup. Only to be awaken in the am by the housekeeping because I once again forgot to leave the do not disturb sign up *grrrrr*.

o-HOTEL-HOUSEKEEPER-facebook

Knock, Knock, Housekeeping!

There is a down side, really there is.

1. You have to watch tons of other women oogle and google your man. *chuckles*.

2. You will no longer know what sleep is, as you will sleep very little and at late hours.

3. You eat out at least 2 meals a day and damn its hard to find good food choices. (especially at indian reservations). So a guaranteed 5lbs you will gain (ugh) *shrieks*

Looks at my waist line, or lack of it and just sighs.

But yeah Rock and Roll Baby, packs quickly for the next gig.

Keep Rockin…~!!

Leave a comment »

~What, You Don’t Like Porn?~

download

It never occurred to me that not everyone enjoys porn? I mean really, how is that even possible? I mean this is the Sex and the city generation. Girls can screw freely and not be considered sluts, we can talk about masturbation, cock size, blow jobs and anal sex but bring up that you love porn and yep, you now have 12 less facebook friends and people are pointing at you at walmart  *sighs*.

There goes my chance for mom of the year again and that PTA has told me they won’t need my help for the annual school play. I mean really. I wasn’t gonna do porn. I just like watching porn *chuckles*.

So with that said. I figured I would make a top 10 list, why porn rocks for all you holy roller, up tight frugal bitches, lol as there is no way men can even be grouped in this. Because yeah, ALL men love porn, Right? *ponders*.

Before I begin, Mom you may not want to read this one!

Okay, are you ready?

Number 1:

It’s a way to live out secret fantasies, without being ganged banged by 8 guys in the local Super 8 or sharing your partner with the ladies at book club night.

Number 2:

It’s an Equal Opportunity Employer:

Granted you are 18 and over….ok not too much over. I do not want to see saggy anything *shrieks*.

Number 3:

The Camera adds 10 lbs. Okay I meant 10 inches. I mean yeah we “women” can say we don’t like to see manhood, but yeah WE all know that we do *nods and wipes the drool from my mouth*.

Number 4:

It cum’s to you! No PUN intended, okay pun intended *smiles*

Number 5:

It’s a great prequel to your relationship, sex life, etc. Okay uptight chicks I know your saying. I don’t need that, maybe not, but watch it and see how much better your sex life is and how much better you man does you, Really I dare you to do it and than get back to me. I’ll be waiting for the OMG this chick was SO right.

Number 6:

It can keep you more focused. You know watch and play along or should I say screw along *giggles*. I mean women over think  usually. I mean ever romp and be thinking about the fact you have to take the dog out, what you need for dinner groceries and oh shit I left laundry in the dryer and this new mascara is awesome. Tell me that is leading you to reach the BIG O, I am guessing no, no and NO.

Number 7:

You can learn new moves. I mean wow. Looks at screen and says, Oh My, she is hanging from the ceiling, with no net. Goes directly into bedroom and sees how I can hang from ceiling *looks around*. Bust out that porn and learn some new moves, your boyfriend’s birthday is tomorrow *smiles*. He will thank you, oh will HE thank you, or thank me and this blog. Sitting bull, ear muffs, bent spoon, big dipper, pirates bounty, twisted doggy *nods* these are all real actual positions. Know how I know, yeah because I just got done watching porn *chuckles*.

Number 8:

It get’s you in the mood, really it does. The ONLY people saying oh hell no, are the people too uptight to check it out, really I would not lead you wrong *well*.

Number 9:

It’s comical. Yes really, Ever see foreign porn or when the lips don’t match. It is a new Friday night comedy. I assure you *busts out laughing*.

Number 10:

It’s FREE.

Okay, If those aren’t enough reasons to get you to watch porn, then you totally suck and there is no fun for you. Now I am not saying to watch porn all day, every day as I don’t want your psych doctor calling me up blaming me for your new addiction. But with an open mind it can be fun.

Happy Porn-ing!

funny_picdump_347_640_11

16 Comments »

~Searching~

peace-banner-2

In darkness

I search for the light.

In light

I search for the truth.

In Truth

I now see your lies.

In your lies

I pray for freedom.

In Freedom

I find my PEACE.

Leave a comment »

~Serial Dater~

serialdater

I have been pondering for awhile about love and relationships or maybe not the actual relationship but the months to follow after a relationship comes to an end. I know we all handle being heartbroken in different ways and in different amounts of time. I have always heard it takes 1/2 the amount of time you were together to get over someone. I don’t know if I buy that. I do know that it is a hard and an awful experience for anyone to go through and this blog is not about being heartbroken. But trust me at some point, that blog will be posted *smiles*.

This blog is about the types of men/women aka Serial Daters who go from one relationship to the next with little to no time in between. I mean who does that and Why? How do you truly let go and move on, if your already dating the “next” thing? How did you process the break up and learn from what went wrong? If your already dating the “next” thing and really how fair is it to “the next thing”?

Serial daters. I don’t understand them. These “next” are they/me just fillers. Someone to keep them company, content, occupied? Do they ever really understand the true meaning of love. I mean REAL love takes time. There are stages and even with the loss of a love there are stages.

I’ve been someones “next” thing and I look back and I totally realize, he was all gung ho and in love so fast, not even over his ex, hell he had never processed anything as he went from her to me. Which I assure you I will never do again. Because from my experience these types, they are in love with the idea of you and when a few months go by and they realize your not really their type, they leave or pull away and you are left heartbroken and alone. Now who is to blame here? Me?  You? Him? Anyone?

The “next” why do we do it, why do we buy into the dream so soon? I mean happily ever after, the key is EVER AFTER, not two weeks or two months later . Do you/me not realize that real love does really take time and men/women who serial date, they will NEVER truly find it. They will just find “the nex thing”…truly sad for them. *sighs*

Below is a GREAT article on serial daters, check it out.

Inside the Mind of a Serial Dater!

 

8 Comments »

~11-3-14~

This weeks Monday Mantra:

thisweeksmantra

Have a SUPER DUPER week…~!!

Leave a comment »

~Mr.Big~

217

WHAT…??

I thought LOVE was that eye rolling, wet panties, heart racing, palms sweaty feeling you have with the “MR BIG” type in the back seat of a limo or penthouse apartment? No wonder love eludes me, I must be looking in all the wrong places? I swear the number I got off that bathroom wall was going to lead to the next big thing. I was already sending out wedding invitations. But then he stopped calling. I did run into him. He said he changed his number. I went back to the bathroom to see if it was listed, but no such luck *pfft*. As for intense feeling, Oh I had an intense feeling alright *nods* and I had his attention for 22 minutes? He even said he loved me or maybe he said he loved the way ….Nevermind. *LoL*.

Sex and the City 2

So, now that I know it wasn’t true love *pouts a little* let’s talk about this elusive Mr Big type.

Ladies you know what I’m talking about. The dominant, handsome, independent, well dressed, charming, challenging, witty, financially secure, demure, distinguished, workaholic powerhouse, bigger than life persona type of man, he will wine and dine you and show you a side of life that comes straight off a TV show or movie and OH THE SEX, it will curl your toes and make you act like a crazy teenage girl with raging hormones.

Have you ever dated one? Please tell, with details even? Are you still with him? What makes this man so attractive, wanted, chased? He is like the catch of a lifetime, Right? But most times dating a “Mr Big” type goes real bad. Just ask Carrie from “Sex and the City” she spent years chasing him, 201 sleepless nights and 42 boxes of Kleenex crying over him. Most episodes were like a bad lifetime movie *felt her pain*, kind of.

She did end up with him, but hey it was the final season. We needed a happy ending, Right? *nods*.

But REALLY inquiring minds, MINE want to know? What makes this man so damn alluring?

17 Comments »

~I Found Me~

i found

For the longest time  I lived with bouts of insecurities, emotional turmoil, grief, anger, resentment and chaos. Now mind you I’m a pretty happy person for the most part but it was all the rest truly holding me back from truly living, loving and enjoying life and relationships. I came to the realization that I really was good at putting the blame somewhere else, if he had done this, if the kids wouldn’t do that, etc (He, They, Them) never Me or I. Well you know as much as I can preach, it took me to really sit down with myself and be honest with myself to realize people CAN’T make us feel anything. They can only trigger feelings and opinions we already have about ourselves. So until I forgave myself for not being perfect, for not being a size 2, for not being mom of the year and the best wife/girlfriend/lover, the best daughter or friend and all the other things good and bad that are a part of my life, I was merely just getting by, missing out on true happiness. I am not perfect but I am who I finally wanna be. I have so much to learn over about love, life, parenting, relationships, finances. But at least now I take full responsibility for myself and my happiness and my life…=)

28 Comments »

~The END is Near~

divorced

Well the Ambien has kicked in and I really feel a bit loopy, but almost in tears. I am sure it is the drugs. But my marriage is finally coming to an end. My ex to be will finally be out of my house for good in two days. I am so excited. But I am also scared. I am so ready, have been for a long time. We have been separated for a very long time, but finances forced him back into the house. It’s been hard, he lives in the lower level. Me and the girls stay on the main and upper floors. But its like letting a stranger live in your home, except this stranger is mean and always comes in negative, negative from work, negative about his circumstance and surroundings, negative about his life. I mean I never meant anyone who could complain about absolutely nothing, but he could. I seriously don’t know how I made it through so happy and only partially damaged, but I can fix me. So I count the days, hours, minutes to my actual freedom. I can run naked screaming around the house. I can put laundry in downstairs without hearing a lecture. I can never have to deal with his little quirks and the toilet seat will never be left up *overjoyed*.

I am so happy. But yet my marriage will finally be over and that means I failed at something, something huge. But I can sincerely say I tried. I tried so very hard. So I’m okay with the end. I do hope we can maintain a friendship for our kids. As one swims and we used to travel to meets together. I am not sure how much that will change? Should it change? I just want it to be nice. I don’t think that two people who at one time loved each other so much, for so many years, should rip each other apart, and become hateful and bitter towards each other. I mean a bit of resentment is probably common. But can’t couples look at the fact that for years they did something so right and had something so wonderful, including kids I’d imagine. These are the things that should keep both parents on a good healthy path. Be happy. I mean your marriage failed but my/his story is yet to be written, Right? I believe every failed relationship brings you once step closer to the right one.

But as for now I just want him to be gone, poof like spell a little witch could grant. I look forward to freedom, calm, quiet, passive days with no drama. You have NO idea how excited I am. But yes I’m scared. I now have a huge house to take care of financially, I have kids to take care of emotionally and the to do list in my house is already long, as it just didn’t get done through the years of marriage. That has me overwhelmed, but one room at a time. Right?

wholedick

So Long Sucka!!

I Love to be here and be able to write down my feelings, I know generally I write snark, humor, but sometimes I’m just mellow Lisa too, ambien helps *giggles*. Thank you for listening, I know none of you know me, none of you care, but thanks for just reading, listening, nodding, sharking your head, saying, oh brother, and anything else that made it out of your mouth while having to read this blog.

So, now that you all know me and were friends, right?  Whose going to find me the elusive “Mr Big” type, you know good looking, powerful, rich, charming, dominant, witty, funny, intellectual, loves to travel, worldly personality, refined and all that..*ponders*.

Mr. Big

Mr. Big

10 Reasons to help me find a Mr. Big (type)

1. Because every hot guy, needs a hot blonde on his arm.

2. I need sex, and I want it soon, and this guy is yumm yumm!

3. You hook me up, Ill hook you up, Mr.Big always has friends…(girls and guys) *smiles*.

4. We can go on luxurious vacations together *yay*.

5.Because I’m asking you too, nicely even!

6. Because this type of man can cook, and damnit you saw my fish stick moments. I cant cook. *cries*

7. His house would be fabulous and I love to decorate, we could have decorating parties, with just wine, no decorating.

8. Wouldn’t he look hot tied to a huge bed with his designer ties *drools*.

9.Well maybe the “Mr’Big” is really code for huge cock, you surely want me to be sexually satisfied, right?

10. When he trades me in for the new younger version of me, im taking 1/2. ill share, lol~

bitch

16 Comments »

~The Night I Became a Groupie~

Ever wake up in the back of a rock band’s bus, in your underwear,  gum stuck in your hair, one of your shoes still on and a condom duct taped to the inside of your leg? Okay, Good I thought I was the only one *chuckles*. (oh, let me state is was an UNUSED condom)

groupies3

Groupie: A Slut that sleeps with bands.

Now before you get your undies in an uproar, I didn’t sleep with the band. Well I don’t think I did, LoL. But I did briefly date the lead guitarist. By date I mean we hung out in the back of the bus for 5 hours (give or take). You know, a heartfelt meaningful relationship.

For the record I won’t make you wonder long why the condom was unused duct taped to my inner thigh. And No I did not have a love child 9 months later. But wow, now wouldn’t that be a blog *smiles*.

Okay, sit down and shut up and let me finish my blog *looks stern at you*.

How does one end up in the back of a rock bands bus? I am still pondering this one but I am going to give you a few pointers from what I remember. Let me state the band I hung out with was playing a small venue in the state I live in.

1. Be beautiful.  If your not, well then. Yeah not sure what to tell you *shrugs*.

2. Dress Hot and by “HOT” I mean a school girl skirt, a white top and white knee highs and  heeled black Mary Jane’s  (Hey, it was a different decade that shit was popular!) Today that would mean, skinny jeans, black heels and a kick ass boobie bearing top. If you got it flaunt it, but keep it classy NOT trashy and NO I know your wondering I did not have pigtails in, that’s way to cliche.

3. Be able to carry on a conversation, you have to stand out! (Okay, I just re read that and I just spit my soda) I don’t think bands are really concerned with your communication skillz, at least not at this point.

4. You must get in the front row and shake what god gave you, I was lucky to have been blessed with dance moves. I am like a white Michael Jackson, okay, maybe I mean Janet. But I think you get my point? Right?

5. Make eye contact with the band, more importantly the one maybe you would love to be having blissful sex with 3 hours from now with? Now if you do want the whole band, well then your going to look like a crazy googly eyed bitch making eye contact, but hey if it works, let me know. Look at him/her/them with awe and enamor in your eyes. Everyone, even rock stars love to feel wanted/needed.

6. Pray to god that somehow, someway, you end up talking at the bar with one member if not more of the band or that you have made it back stage somehow, a connection helps. I however did not have a connection. You can always write I want to suck your cock after the show on a poster board with a black sharpie. Now that will get their attention and probably every sexual predator within 23 miles attention. But yeah?

I really think it was the alcohol and my charming good looks *smiles*.

It just occurred to me I am giving you pointers how to whore yourself out. Does that make me a pimp? Or is that when you pay me once you land the band?

groupie4

I am way off track here, anyway so somehow I am now invited unto the bus. let me assure you I am being a safe groupie/slut. I have a trusted sidekick with me. LoL.  So we both enter the bus. Fuck, have you ever seen a rock stars bus. Its like a house on wheels. I had to roll my tongue back in and wipe the drool off my chin *wipes up the drool*. Now let me state YOU will not be the ONLY girl/boy/animal on the bus. I’m joking I swear there was no donkey or animal on the bus. Well, there was this one girl. She was on all fours, barking, never mind.

This is where is you have to be able to be cool or maybe just get on your knees and ready to service, however I guess I chose the NO service route. I think for me it was the challenge to get on the bus and hey I loved to party. So lets fucking party like rock stars. Now let me state while many rock bands are now sober and etc. This band was not. They had booze and every drug known to man. Well a lot more than I had ever seen. Mind you I am a small town girl. I snorted coke off a chicks tits. No I didn’t know her, but damn her tits were great. Did I mention I’m ADHD and a Gemini? Cocaine is not a good drug for a hyperactive Gemini, were crazy enough already *anxiousl smile*. But oh how you can drink on cocaine. I really hope my kids aren’t reading this. “Kids, Drugs are bad, very very bad, now get back in bed!” or my mom, “Oh Hi Mom” *shrieks*.

Where was I, oh yeah I’m now not only a slut, but a coke whore fueling up on booze. So like any typical Wisconsin chick,  I say “Hey let’s play quarters”. Somehow, which I now think odd, everyone was down to play. This is where the story gets strange and let me give you the best advice you will ever hear. “NEVER PLAY QUARTERS WITH A ROCK BAND” apparently they are on the road for days and days and they will beat you, oh will they beat you. So a bottle of Absolute and Jack later. I am not sure I know my name. I think it’s Chloe, at least that’s what I’m going with, okay and my sidekick is Natasha? I know what your thinking, “Let’s Party” right? Who doesn’t want to party with a Chloe and Natasha. I think I should of picked Natasha *sighs*. Then someone says let’s play strip poker, that is another game they KNOW how to play, WELL.

So, Everyone is now drunk and half naked well maybe just me but everyone seems to be having fun, music is blaring, there is a manager and yeah that shit is really like the movies, there is a creepy guy or two sitting at the door of the bus on the couch, warding off ugly chicks or wives I suppose, just kidding, we all know wives would bust down the fucking door. I imagine they do a lot of masturbating or get sloppy seconds, thirds or whatever is left over. I don’t really want to know or think about it. *distraught look upon my face*.

Well anyway, 24 people have now become 12 and I think about this now and it had to be awkward, but at the time, yeah this was going to be a bucket list moment, I mean who doesn’t want to fuck a rock star? I am still raising my hand to that one. *googles hot rockstars* in their 40’s, jk. That’s crazy shit I chose to do when young, drunk and fueled up on other drugs. I wasn’t really thinking. So, out of no where this guy kisses me, yeah the lead guitarist, and OMG I can still remember the taste of his lips. It was probably the chick he had the night before *lmaooooo*. God, that’s a gross though, puked a little.

So, I won’t divulge the juicy details, oh yeah that’s cause I don’t remember. I hope it was good for him, oh yeah and me too. But I did wake up in just my underwear. Sidekick on the floor 10 feet away. My head was pounding. I slowly got up and grabbed my stuff. Now I am sure they are used to the “sneak out”. So I wasn’t too worried about offending him but I didn’t want to wake everyone so they could watch me take the walk of shame off the bus. I prodded the sidekick, she slowly snuck out with me. I never did find my other shoe or my bra and it took me a full day getting the gum out of my hair. But hey I ding donged a lead guitarist *proudly smirks*.

groupies

Oh this is NOT the end of my story, did you think I was done? A few days/ maybe a week later I get a strange call on my home phone, and yes this was when we used home phones. Well I think cell phones were out but not popular yet. I answer and “the guy” is on the other end. Yes the guitarist. I am thinking the worse. I mean why would HE be calling ME on the phone, he must have aids and the doctor has told him he has to tell his list. *oh fuck, Im dying*. Okay, he doesn’t have Aids. Wait, how does he even know my number? Yeah okay, I’m sure the drunk cocaine fueled Lisa, oh I mean Chloe gave it to him.  But why on earth is he calling me, ponders again.

The call went kind of like this.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes?

Him: How are you?

Me: Uhmmmm, I am good thank you for asking and you? *shocked and a bit confused*.

Him: I am good too, thank you for asking. (Actually he said tired, the road is hard and the nights are long) anyway.

Now I look back and why should I be shocked. I am a beautiful woman, who is a lot of fun and definitely could hold my own with a rock star. well not the drugs and alcohol. But yeah, I got what it takes. But back then, yeah I’m a bit confused.

Him: I am sure you are wondering why I’m calling you?

Me: Well, it is nice to hear from you but yeah kind of.

Him: I want to tell you I found your bra.

Me: Gasps, and is mortified and dumb founded.

Me: How do you know its mine.

Him: Well here’s the kicker Lisa. It has your name on it, with your phone number and says if lost call.

SHRIEKS, WTF, I did what? Now mind you I didn’t say anything. I sat here embarrassed.

Him: But.

OMG, there is a but. *crawls underneath a rock to die*. LoL.

Him: Lisa

Me: Yes

Him: The thing you wrote Dear (his name) on the one side, the message on the other, as he read it again.

Sits here quiet yet, dying of humiliation.

Him: I just want you to know you are the first girl to do anything like that, girls throw their top, bras, panties and other unmentionables  on stage all the time, but the fact that you wrote me a cute personal little message was totally cool.

Me: Breathes and says Ohhhhhhhhhhh, and giggles.

Him: You definitely know how to get attention.

Me: So uhmm, can I ask you a question?

Him: Sure

Me: I woke up with gum in my hair and a condom duct taped to my leg, and no shoe (well and no bra but you solved that mystery) could you tell maybe give me a heads up, why?

Me: Oh and Did we?

Him: Have sex?

Me: Yes.

Him: You don’t remember?

Me: Well not every moment in full detail. Was I at least good *chuckles*.

Him: Wow, now this is a first. A girl who doesn’t remember my fabulous love making skills.

Just sits here, as I seriously I don’t remember.  I blame the drugs. (MAKES A NOTE: NEVER DO DRUGS AGAIN!)

Him: You demanded safe sex, so I went and got a condom, I came back and you were passed out, So I duct taped the condom to your inner thigh. Safe sex, you know?

So, there you have it all the answers, well not the lost shoe, but one shoe lost in a night of hard partying with a rock band, so worth the loss. The moral to the story. Don’t do drugs and safe sex is a must. Damn how boring is that bullshit. How do I tell my kids I passed out on a lead guitarist. God I’m fucking lame *shrugs in disappointment*.

I am never sure how I got the gum in my hair, but I did get it out without chopping off my hair, so it’s all good, thank ice cubes and peanut butter.

Well now my story is over, and before I go. I am going to share a little info:

Groupies

Kind of a cool article. I have read a few of the books listed. Pretty wild stuff, especially compared to  my rock band bus moment.

As the years have passed. I will say I had some fun times growing up, this being one of them, I wouldn’t take back too many things in my life no matter how crazy, wild, sad, wrong even they were, they made me the person I am today. Life is meant to be lived and I am living it every minute, and let me tell you. I can handle my liquor now, so yeah that bus would of been rockin, don’t come knockin~

SIDENOTE: Before the said guy threw me up against the wall and kissed me, we had really talked. It was kind of cool to hear his stories, that was between the coke on some chicks tits and the 2 bottles of booze and 3 games of strip poker I lost, thats why I’m in my undies duh. (Nahh, really he was an interesting guy, and when everyone started to bump like bunnies he was more than willing to just talk and hangout)

29 Comments »

ultimatemindsettoday

A great WordPress.com site

The Snarky Blonde

My blog, it's more fun than midget wrestling on a Friday night.

Chatterbox Chick

Ramblings of a Hyper Active Blonde

elizagalesinterviews

Eliza’s interviews are done by email; all answers are unedited and come right from the lovely fingertips of her subjects:)

Miss Lou Acquiring Lore

Gallery of Life...

earthlyradiance

Cultivate your inner and outer radiance naturally

Buffalo Tom Peabody's Blog 1

The 9 lives of Buffalo Tom Peabody.

A girl and her thought

A topnotch WordPress.com site

Curing Yellow Fever

The eternal quest for one man's pursuit of life, love and happiness

I Refuse To Follow Your Blog

Stop being a follower!!!

Fits of Wit

A humor & lifestyle blog fueled by extra bold coffee

Chris The Story Reading Ape's Blog

INDIE AUTHORS, RESOURCES, BOOK PROMOS, SERVICES, PLUS MORE

YouViewed/Editorial

News , Blues and Guns ... Not Necessarily In That Order

Fiction Limbo

"The fiction Limbo of a writing lunatic"