Where's My Xanax?

~The Wig~

on October 31, 2014


Jesus, Did I tell you about the time I dressed up as snow white and went to bingo? I know right, a cliche costume, I need to kick my own ass and bingo? I know what your thinking, how old are you 80, but REAL bitches love bingo.


So, 2 hot dogs, a hot chocolate, a bag of fritos, countless numbers of halloween candy and 2 hours later. I still have not won bingo, it’s not looking good. but I have started to get an itch.


No I don’t need Vagisil, you stupid assholes *lol* My wig itches and have you ever wore a wig? I did not do my hair underneath it, so there is no way I am taking this wig off at bingo with 200 80 yr olds *sighs*. You never know Mr. Sugar Daddy could be watching. So I continue to dab my cards, if your not sure what dabbing means, it means you buy a marker type dabber and when they call your number, you dab it. Hold on, WTF If you don’t know what dabbing means in bingo, your a moron. Get off my blog *just kidding*. I think.

Bingo cards and DABBER!

Bingo cards and DABBER!

Okay back to my itch. So this itch is getting progressively worse. I am now itching my wig like crazy, people are starting to look at me and slide over. I am sure they think I got cooties or lice *shrieks*. You know its bad when a 77 year old woman wont talk to you and has moved down two chairs *pouts*. Oh I forgot to mention, I have a pretty white ribbon in this wig and all. It looks totally real. Really it did. But really people, its halloween and bingo. (It was a spur of the moment rental) which now has me thinking, I wonder who wore this wig before and how to they clean it between costumers?

The itching continues, I am now frantically dabbing with one hand and scratching the hell out of my head with the other, praying for some relief as my scalp is now burning and itching beyond your wildest imagination. There is going to be a break. I am barely containing myself to make it to then, as I plan to run to the bathroom and inspect what the hell is going on underneath this wig in the privacy of the bathroom, which really means this wig is coming off ASAP.


Break (Intermission) comes I try to race to the bathroom but these old ladies have formed a line, who know 200 80 yr olds don’t wear depends and now want to use the bathroom. “How dare them”. So I stand in line, waiting my turn, itching and itching and old bitties at tables be staring. “What you never seen a crazy young white girl with an itch”? Throws the Vagisil at them, ” I know you got THE itch so pfft”.


I am probably being way more paranoid, they probably are checking out the 92 yr old man behind me who accidentally has wandered into the women’s line. *looks cautiously at him* maybe he want’s my wig for himself? HA, he can have it. Okay I’m getting off track. So there I stand YET waiting my turn, only 178 more old bags to go potty. Should I mention when I finally got in the bathroom, I had to actually go. Have you ever went potty after 200 old women? The bathroom needed a dozen douches and a fumigation of febreeze. *pukes and shrieks* .

So I wash my hands and kind of wait for it to clear out, now mind you. I have like 2 minutes left before bingo starts *sighs*. Only 2 people left. I cant wait any longer. I yank the wig off and in my horror. I have like a red rash on the back of my head and across my forehead starting. It doesn’t look good and OMG to my hair, it look’s like I possibly forgot to brush it for 4 days before putting on this wig. I promise I did brush it, I am thinking all the crazy itching has knotted up my hair underneath *ponders*.

IT looked kinda like this!

IT looked kinda like this!

I have two choices, put the wig back on and the rash could get worse, and omg to the thought of itching another 2 hours. There is NO way in hell, so I check my makeup, looks pretty good. Snow white never looked so good. Oh but wait, without the wig. I just look like a crazy white chick, with ratty hair and a rash. I look like a washed up  hooker. So, I take a deep breath and say “Fuck it” and walk back out, wig in hand.

Ohhhhhhhh the relief my head doesn’t itch *sigh of ectasy*, the rash stings a bit, but nothing I can’t handle at this point. I am ready to get down to business and play some bingo. I make a few wig jokes and the older lady who slid over slides back down and starts to talk to me again. So another hour goes by and they are doing a quick 15 minute intermission. Damn these breaks and these women and their bathroom lines. I just ask if I can butt in and just check out my rash. They let me. I inspect it isn’t going away but it isn’t getting worse *sigh of relief*. I think oh I can use a drink. So I get in the concessions line. This line is almost as bad as the bathroom line, oh yeah I can only get water, soda or coffee, no booze. I know right a rash, one dead wig and bingo with no booze. Say it isn’t so *chuckles*.

Shit, they are calling already and WTF I haven’t got my soda pop and snickers I ordered yet. I stand their impatiently waiting. Yeah, did I tell you that the person behind the counter is like 102 years old and a turtle moves faster. But really, what am I to do, its not like I’m going to yell “Move your ass”, Right? I hear numbers being called. I am like oh I am quick, Ill be able to just sit down and catch up. That would be great but this old gal has decided she wants to talk and have a convo and show me a photo of her great grand kids. “YOU have got to be kidding me”!


I sit down and the lady next to me, you know the one who moved down 2 hours earlier. Says, “I thought I would tell you, you have bingo”. WTF? They were playing a 3 game special, starting with 4 corners. I had the 4 corners. I just lost out on 100 bucks. Now, this is where you are thinking exactly what I am, Right? If you were watching my card enough to see I had bingo, you couldn’t of dabbed my numbers you nosey bingo beotch or thought to maybe even yell she has bingo or how about just bingo? Catty old cunt, just wanted the bingo to herself, huh?

So, I went home a loser, with a rash and wig in hand, not one of my finest Halloween moments. BTW, the rash did not go away, 2 days later I went to the doctor. The wig I had on was some type of lace, one I  happened to be allergic too. I had to use some special ointment. So not only did I lose money, it cost me money and I gained 3lbs from all the food I ate *sighs*.

Oh but I think that 92 year old guy, he got lucky. I may have to stand in the men’s line next time *giggles*.


God I miss the local casino’s bingo nights *nostalgic smile*.


One response to “~The Wig~

  1. I live in Nevada and I love Bingo :))


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