Where's My Xanax?

~I Found Me~

on October 29, 2014

i found

For the longest time  I lived with bouts of insecurities, emotional turmoil, grief, anger, resentment and chaos. Now mind you I’m a pretty happy person for the most part but it was all the rest truly holding me back from truly living, loving and enjoying life and relationships. I came to the realization that I really was good at putting the blame somewhere else, if he had done this, if the kids wouldn’t do that, etc (He, They, Them) never Me or I. Well you know as much as I can preach, it took me to really sit down with myself and be honest with myself to realize people CAN’T make us feel anything. They can only trigger feelings and opinions we already have about ourselves. So until I forgave myself for not being perfect, for not being a size 2, for not being mom of the year and the best wife/girlfriend/lover, the best daughter or friend and all the other things good and bad that are a part of my life, I was merely just getting by, missing out on true happiness. I am not perfect but I am who I finally wanna be. I have so much to learn over about love, life, parenting, relationships, finances. But at least now I take full responsibility for myself and my happiness and my life…=)

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28 responses to “~I Found Me~

  1. Mike G. says:

    Spot on. Great post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. hideorgochic says:

    Great post, truer words have never been spoken! For me however, I still have my bouts w/ insecurities, I find that its so difficult getting in the mind space of accepting yourself — flaws and all, but I really enjoyed reading this post! Very inspiring!

    Liked by 1 person

    • ~Lisa~ says:

      My biggest insecurities is my weight and I am not that heavy, but society puts so much on being young and wrinkle free and fat free. I got fat. I am coming to terms, the rest probably just comes from a horrible marriage and a failed relationship. But Im learning and I do think being an only child for me was an easy excuse I got away with when putting the blame other places but then became habit….~

      Like

      • hideorgochic says:

        Mine is my acne — now it’s not that bad as some cases that I’ve seen around but I am soo self-conscious about it!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        And I am guessing you have tried everything out there, I never had acne til I had kids. Yeah Id like to get rid of my 11s too..frow lines…people say ppl are always frowning or mad, sad have them…but I just make lots of faces. I make tons of expressions and squinting in the sun probably doesnt help. Do you think as we get older (age) changes what the insecurity is?

        Like

      • hideorgochic says:

        That’s a great question! I do think as we get older our insecurities change — when I was in high school I was insecure about my modest bust-line (I use to prey for bigger boobs)! Now that I’m in my last year of college, I’m mostly insecure about (my skin as I mentioned before) but also money and career!!

        Like

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        omg trust me at my age your gonna wish you had NO bust line, boobs sag…well unless you buy fake ones…I want fake ones…smiles. Well. I hope your insecurities dont hold you back too much. You seem grounded and ready for the world. Your skin is going to change, have faith…..my teenage girls are pretty freaked out about skin right now too.

        Liked by 2 people

      • hideorgochic says:

        This was a great dialogue, I really enjoyed talking w/ u!! Until next time…

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        Have a fabulous night….~

        Like

  3. Yes, I do think that age changes what we are insecure about. I know mine has done that to me and I think life jobs/careers also changes them.

    It nice seeing someone else as beautiful as you struggle. (I do mean that in the nicest way possible.) I don’t get a kick out of seeing people suffer but to see such honest is refreshing.

    I sometimes think that if people saw behind my happy exists they would run scared for all the turmoil I have in my head. Because I am the same why, I love to laugh and laugh often but inside it’s like a daily battle goes on.

    I do think that once you focus on a goal it helps take the pressure off the ideals we have. But then again, it sometimes creates more. Agh….an endless cycle, will it ever stop? 🙂 Then again, maybe it’s better that it doesn’t because then I would never want to grow up and still be a kid. Ah, who am I kidding, I love being a kid forgot adulthood. I’ll run away, if you do!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • ~Lisa~ says:

      yeah so many times in life, people are like your beautiful and talented but that doesnt help the demons I harbor inside of myself. I hope as I grow older I care less but I think its just everyone way of making it through life. I had wrote a blog about being happy. I did not post it. I write so much, don’t post half of it or someone may commit me. LoL. I was just talking with hideorgochic and I really think that age makes our insecurities change so who knows what Ill be fretting 2 years from now.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’m often wondered if I shouldn’t commit myself sometimes. lol With life, it’ll probably be a couple of months when you change what you fret about. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        Idk I think it will always be weight for me. I pray that I wake up one day and dont care if eat the entire cake batter. For a girl with weight insecurities, maybe I should work out? LoL

        Liked by 1 person

      • ROTFLMAO……think that’s right. Rolling On The Floor Laughing My Ass Off!!!! I too have some weight issues and don’t eat have the time, but I do love me fooooood!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        I used to skip eating for a day or two and drop weight, now Im gaining. I loveeeeeee food too, especially carb comfort foods and my worse thing. I dont sleep at night so then Im snacking, eating and I’m usually NOT even hungry, just bored. My thing people will say Lisa I wish I had your body. okay take it. Just b/c they think its ok doesnt mean I have too…thats the part I hate…..but but but…..oh yeah thats life~

        Liked by 1 person

      • You want to know what is really funny….I have tons of insecurities, but my stubbornness is driving the train this time. Seriously, I have a thought go though my head and immediately I say ‘I don’t care, I’m having my way and everybody else be damned.’ Of course, in the nicest way possible.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        LoL at Stubborn. I got you covered. I am so bullheaded it sucks. I think the dont care thing is the way to go, because I think that is what truly holds everyone back is not what we think of oursevles but what we think other people are saying or thinking about us. I know I dont have to be a perfect 125. I have 3 kids and 44…a few surgeries I should be over joyed to have the body I do. But But But…~

        Like

      • That’s true. It’s what holds me back most of the time, the what others are thinking. I have those too, but, but, but…

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh and I listen to Cryin’ Like a Bitch by Godsmack, all the time so I don’t cry about anything….crazy I know but it works. lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        I love all music like that. When I went through this break up in may. OMG if i didn’t have bands like Godsmack, Bullet for My valentine, Cher, Pink’s so what, I am not sure I would of made it…~

        Like

      • Music is definitely what gets me through the day. Take my music and lose an arm. Take it again and somebody’s not coming back. It helped me through the lose of my best friend and he’s the one that got me unto Godsmack. I am sorry to hear about your break up. It always sucks big, fat hairy balls to see one fall apart. Have you ever read – Ghost Rider, Travels on the Healing Road by Neil Pearl? Only about 3/4 quarter way through, but I love the writing. He lost both wife and daughter in the same year. He plays drums for Rush. Anyways, think you might like it or help you out.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        well heck I hate when it poofs when I write a reply. Music is my therapy as well. I will check out the book, it sounds fabulous. I just read “People I want to Throat Punch* (humor book). I don’t read them often but hers was hilarious. Snarky, Witty and Hilarious reminded me of fitsofwit style of writing. If you know who that is. Wow to losing wife and daughter. My mom went through something like that. My dad died and then her mom died, same month.

        Like

      • I do hate that too. Seems I lose my internet at the divine moment for mine. With a title like that, sounds like something I should read at work. That sucks when you lose people that way. My heart also goes out to you both. I like it because it’s smooth like a story and not a memoir.

        Liked by 1 person

      • ~Lisa~ says:

        I will check it out.

        Like

  4. You’re absolutely right– no one can make us feel anything we don’t chose. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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