Where's My Xanax?

~The Ouija~

on October 13, 2014

VARIOUS - 2006

So, with it being October and Halloween right around the corner. I thought I’d throw a blog up about another right of passage. Why yes, “The Famous Ouija Board” *shivers a little*.  Let me start by giving you the definition;

The Ouija board (/ˈwə/ wee-jə), also known as a spirit board or talking board, is a flat board marked with the letters of the alphabet, the numbers 0–9, the words “yes”, “no”, “hello” (occasionally), and “goodbye”, along with various symbols and graphics. It uses a planchette (small heart-shaped piece of wood or plastic) as a movable indicator to indicate the spirit’s message by spelling it out on the board during a séance. Participants place their fingers on the planchette, and it is moved about the board to spell out words. “Ouija” has become a trademark that is often used generically to refer to any talking board.

Here are also a few rules about Ouija Boards (Courtesy of Ask.com) and of course my opinions and comments added.

  • Never use the Ouija Board alone! (What, I can’t conjure up spirits alone in the dark with my whiskey, *sighs*.)
  • Never use a Ouija Board if you are depressed, stressed, angry, upset, bored, furious, sad, scared, afraid, shocked, overconfident, or drowsy as you could let a demon into your life! (So basically this means it is going to stay in the box and never be used, well unless you are a happy, sunshiny, rainbow, unicorn type of person and yeah like they would have the balls to play, Actually “Overly Happy” people back away from this blog now, your happiness annoys me today.  Hmm to drowsy, I think Ambien and Ouija is in order later this evening *smiles* and let a demon in my life, Hello, I was married to a demon for over 16 yrs *shrugs*. I am NOT scared Ouija.)
  • If you get a demon, blessing the house could make the demon worse than it already was! (Divorce works, no crucifix needed!)
  • Don’t give the Ouija Board to someone else to give them problems! (Makes a list of people to give the Ouija too!)
  • Never use a Ouija Board if you think it is a game. (Wait, it’s not a game? I beg to differ Ask.com. It is sold at Toy’s R Us as a game board *miss know it all speaks up*.) Ouija Game Board
  • Never let the spirits count down through the numbers or go through the alphabet as they can get out of the board this way. (Wait, what spirits counting down through the numbers, there’s numbers on the board? I always just thought you asked it questions and pushed it to yes or no, depending on the answer YOU want and holy bajeesus,  smart spirits who count roaming around your house, sounds scary).
  • If the planchette goes to the four corners of the board it means that you have contacted an evil spirit or demon into your life!  (See this is why I never got to play, the demon in my home was always around, so the planchette would never move *sighs*.
  • You should never use a Ouija Board if you are a skeptic or an Atheist as you could get an evil spirit or demon! (Oh I BELIEVE!)
  • If the planchette falls from a Ouija board, a spirit will get loose. (Oh Shit, I just dropped the planchette, looks around for a spirit *perks*.)
  • If the planchette repeatedly makes a figure eight, it means that an evil spirit is in control of the board. (Or just an ice skater on acid?)
  • If you should get an evil spirit, quickly turn the planchette upside down and use it that way. (How do you know you have an evil spirit versus something/someone nice like Casper the friendly ghost or better yet Patrick Swayze? *ponders*.)
  • The board must be “closed” properly or evil spirits will remain behind to haunt the operator. (Uhmm, closed properly, it doesn’t fold or anything so how do you close a piece of wood? *sits here confused*.)
  • Never use the Ouija when you are ill or in a weakened condition since this may make you vulnerable to possession. (Well now I know why I can fly around on a broom, spit venom and spin my head in a full circle, it was because of the one time at band camp when I was ill and playing  the Ouija.)
  • The spirit of the Ouija board creates “wins” for the user, causing him to become more and more dependent on the board. Addiction follows. This is called “progressive entrapment.” (This sounds kind of like a bad marriage)
  • Evil spirits contacted through the Ouija board will try to win your confidence with false flattery and lies. (Oh Flattery will get you everywhere, bats my eyes.)
  • Always be respectful and never upset the spirits. (Whatever, Fuck You Ouija Spirits!)
  • Never use the Ouija in a graveyard or place where a terrible death has occurred or you will bring forth malevolent entities. (Oh my, I am actually nervous now. As I played “The Ouija” in my garden the other day *shrieks*.  But yeah, If I am hanging out in a graveyard with a gameboard. I question my sanity, a bit. Entities probably aren’t my worst problem.)
  • Witchboards are so named because witches use them to summon spirits. (Duh, Why do you think I OWN one!)
  • The very first Ouija boards were made from the wood of coffins. A coffin nail in the center of the planchette window served as the pointer. (Yeah mine was made in a factory, I’m safe!)
  • Sometimes an evil spirit can permanently “inhabit” a board. When this happens, no other spirits will be able to use it. (Well, this sounds boring and I bore easily, more spirits the merrier, “I always say!”)
  • When using a glass as a message indicator, you must always cleanse it first by holding it over a burning candle. (Oh I do more than that, I fill it with whiskey, Whiskey can kill and cleanse anything, here watch this. Takes a drink, I am cleansed *chuckles*. Okay now your turn!)
  • Ouija boards that are disposed of improperly, come back to haunt the owner. (I so know how to dispose of THINGS, so I need not worry about this one, trust me *smiles innocently*.)
  • Oh Shit, A Demon!

    Oh Shit, A Demon!

  • A Ouija Board will scream if you try to burn it. People who hear the scream have less than thirty-six hours to live. There is only one proper way to dispose of it: break the board into seven pieces, sprinkle it with Holy Water then bury it. (HOLY SHIT, seriously those are the only words that come to mind at the moment!)
  • If you must use a Ouija board, make your own. Arrange the letters and numbers, into a circle so whatever is trapped within that circle can’t escape. (Great, now it’s welfare hour, and NO ONE really MUST make a Ouija board, lol
  • If you place a pure silver coin on the board, no evil spirits will be able to come through. (Now you tell me, and then I can burn the same silver down to kill the werewolf in my basement?)
  • NEVER leave the planchette on the board if you aren’t using it. (Why, what happens?)
  • Lecherous spirits from the Ouija board will sometimes ask people to do rather . . . ah, personal things. Ignore them and always remember that your Ouija partner (i.e., girlfriend boyfriend husband wife ) has nothing to do with this. (Sure they dont!)
  • Never use a Ouija Board for “fun” because are being rude to the spirit who had really died and besides you don’t want to make fun of death because would not want to or want to hear someone contact or offend a dead person for fun! (If I’m not using it for fun, really what would I be using it for? As apparently contacting spirits, entities and demons seems inevitable by your analysis *shrugs*.)
  • Never use a Ouija Board online for fun and be careful with these because will really contact spirits through the online Ouija Board because spirits use frequencies to teleport with!  (What did they do when there was no internet and whose in, let’s online Ouija *invites you with a smile and a glass of whiskey*, the whiskey is for your online safety, of course.)
  • Never force the planchette away from any where like jerking the planchette for instance or pushing the planchette away from Goodbye other wise the spirit could get aggressive and/or violent or scream at you! (The board is going to scream at me, okay now I’m laughing, until an actual Ouija board screams at me, at which point I’d shit myself, seriously I would I am not going to worry much about it the last rule.)

Three things never to ask a Ouija board:

  • Never ask about God.
  • Never ask when you are going to die.
  • Never ask where the gold is buried.

Really, Ask.com those are the ONLY 3 things to NOT ask?

God is understandable as his wrath could be fierce~

Yikes to knowing the possible time of our death, If you knew would you live differently? Would you change things and if so, what would you change?  I guess knowing HOW you die could be worse as you would probably avoid anything related.  My advice here, live your life like there is no tomorrow, don’t put off today what you think you can do tomorrow, etc etc….=)

And yeah I guess asking for gold would summon Leprechauns to jump through the board, huh? *giggles*

5 things I want to ask the Ouija:

1. Does the washer and or dryer really eat the missing socks?

2. Will I ever lose that 10lbs?

3.Who is the father of my 3rd child?  *just kiddng*.

4. Where is the Gold, Ooops I forgot! *looks behind my back*.

5. Do other people scoop and eat right out of the peanut butter container in my cupboard, or just me?

Okay, I’m bored. Have a Good night and Happy Ouija-ing~!!

SIDENOTE: TWO GUYS and a OUIJA, below:

 

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15 responses to “~The Ouija~

  1. I eat peanut butter from the jar, but with a spoon.
    I met a couple last year who was very into “contacting spirits” via the spirit board. One was a religious studies professor & the other into lots of New Age things. (That’s the best description I can think of.) I went to two seances as a skeptic. I should probably write a post, huh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • ~Lisa~ says:

      You should and yeah my blog is kind of the funny side to the rules on ask.com. I have had some really unexplainable things happen while using one in the past. I do really like that kind of stuff. But I I always wonder if uhmm religious people would advocate the use. Im thinking probably not as in most religion only god is the all knowing and seeing *shrugs*. I like to be open minded I guess…~

      Liked by 1 person

  2. ikarlee says:

    I read this just for your comments cause you make me laugh. I’m such a skeptic so there is no way I’d ever take anything “supernatural” seriously. But now I’m curious about “online ouija” just because ask.com told me not to!!
    Side note: Bloody Mary never came for me *shrugs* … shit I’m even rejected by evil spirits! HAHAHA

    Liked by 1 person

  3. […] reading Lisa’s humorous post concerning Ouija board etiquette I realized that it’s been about a year since I attended my […]

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