Where's My Xanax?

~Dating, Don’t Do it~

on October 12, 2014

 

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DATING:

When two people  in early stages of a relationship  go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully fledged couple. This sounds simple, right? Well let me tell you, there is NOTHING simple about dating now a days *shrugs*

” I am going to give you 5 good reasons why you do not want to date in 2014.”

1. 20 percent of relationships now start online. That is 1 out of 5. So that means I will meet the potentially next GREAT thing on match.com, bdsm.com, christian.com, geek.com, pervert.com, mommasboy.com, divorcedandbitter.com, bigdick.com, richman4you.com or psycho.com. Wow, this really sounds like a catch I want to bring home to my kids and mom. Well, okay christian.com would be wonderful, for them. However bigdick.com sounds more promising to me *smiles big*. So you sit online for hours, days, weeks, months, years for some and either never meet and have some torrid online love affair or you meet. Which this is gonna go two ways, he is gonna look just like his pics and he is gonna be that wonderful guy he wrote himself to be in his profile or he is gonna be like dating Charles Manson, Well your safer dating Charles Manson as you cant actually be left alone with him. Oh, I forgot this is if he lives even remotely close, if he is on the other side of the world, well then you better hope you met him on richman4you.com as he will have to fly you to see him for visits. Good luck with this one. I have experience with this one, 6 months worth of experience and NO I didn’t find him on richman4you.com. It was bdsm.com *chuckles*.

2.The types of people out there to date:
1. He/She has been married 5x and has 3 sets of kids from 2 sets of wives/hubbies. Why yes, this is what your going to find in the dating scene, as the people you meet are going to be generally middle aged. Hello Stupid, if someone has been married 5x and hasn’t found what they are looking for. They are a serial dater/marrier. Run now and run fast!
 
2. The young guy looking for the cougar, no he isn’t really looking for a relationship, no matter what he says. He’s looking for sex and maybe even the woman to show him how to do it well even. As we all know “older women make better lovers”.
 
3. The old guy, and I mean crypt keeper old, who wants barbie on his arm. This one usually has money. And no self respecting Barbie would be caught dead on her grandpa’s arm, Right? I hope they know that money isn’t gonna keep the blood flowing to his flacid penis, so you will be getting NO sex….*eeks* Old men, need to date old women, period.
 
4.The guy/girl that are so happy and I mean happy, happy, happy, they see sunshine and unicorns, and by meeting they have found their soul mate, their other piece of heaven, the gods from above have answered all their prayers, they fall in love fast and hard. (well we all know its NOT real love) but more the lovey dovey lust good sex love, but hey you cant burst their bubbles. They are” IN” Love in two weeks, and ready to get married in 2 months. Well there is no helping these types. They will either get married and live happily ever after in their house made of graham crackers and candies with frosting rainbows and lemon drop rocks on the side of their door or they realize 3 months into, that they just don’t like each other and then its just sad and dramatic and the break up is long ….as they ohhhhhhh so love each other but just know that this their journey isn’t over. So they must go there own ways. They hug and kiss and thank Buddha above.*slaps both of these people* hard. Blame it on spirituality, *sighs*
 
5. And this one is the worst, you date the confused guy, he’s not gay, he don’t think. He has no specific type when it comes to girls. But hes 48 never been in a serious relationship, no wives, no kids? Longest gf was 3 months. This is what I refer to as the wont commit guy, this one will just break your heart. So Id cut your losses ASAP.
 
6.Dun Dun Dun, Dun you get the married guy trying to play single or separated and this guy will be great, he will know how to say all the right things, buy you flowers, trinkets, dinners, wine, that’s on all the NIGHTS he can show up, but but but, Johnny why cant I come over to your house. “Im remodelng Lisa”, Im sick, got the flu”, I got the boys coming over for a boys night, etc”  The elusive married man loves you when he can, when his wife is not around. This one is a no brainer, YOU dont ever have a chance to be THE woman, and why would you want to be, He is not the kind of man you can trust. *cuts this ones balls off* run.

Okay, touched based a bit on a few of the kinds of people/guys/gals you don’t want to date or that our out there….*shrugs*.

 3.Now lets say you have been talking awhile and decide to go out for an innocent dinner. 

dating2
The minute you see him eat, you are totally grossed out, and now is why not to date reason number 3. Now you have to make up a lie to get out of this awkward awful night, or you could buy a bottle of jack and start drinking, it ALL, then this date may actually get better….*hopes for you*
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 4.Next Date, handsome hunks drives up, opens the door, wines and dines you, says all the right things, and offers you the finer things in life, food, wine. Now the moment comes, you will want to play it cool, but what you really want is to go home and fuck. *pants* and wipes brow* Damn if you do and damned if you dont, your either gonna be the respectable girl or your gonna be the slutty girl. Who are you? which is it gonna be?
 
5. Your dates are over and now you either have not heard from the date, except for last tuesday when he wanted to tell you about his dog puking and that he thinks he may be sick. Then we have the one who calls and texts so much, you now need a secretary to take all the messages. I mean they are starting to feel stalker like, “when can I see you again? When can we kiss? When can I have you in my arms, When can I watch you eat? Touch your hair? yeah, this one here, this one will make you NEVER want to date again…effort is great…too much effort just plain creepy/needy and way over the top.
 
Okay there was just 5 simple reasons not to date in 2014. Let me add a few more:
1. You will have to shave your vajajay and definitely douche, often. 
2. You will have to get some condoms or make sure he has them, unless you want to be pregnant in 2015.
3. You will have to deal with his/her ex’s and trust me there is always an ex’s. And you being the next woman.
They will have to know all about you, They will stalk you on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram,  and other social networks.
4. You will indeed have to put out. No one dates the girl who don’t put out and you will have to do that often.
5. You will have to pretend to sincerely care about subjects they talk about, like anal warts, premature ejaculation, balding issues.
6. You will have to give your life, love and time, so make sure you know what your getting yourself into. 
   (A Day With Charles Manson may not be something you soon forget if EVER.)
7. The girls will stop calling you as you are now taken material, so girls night invites wont be getting sent to you.
8. ONE moment of unprotected sex, you could be walking around with chlamydia and no that is not a new designer handbag.*sighs*
 So, If you still want to date this month, year, decade, good luck, bring mace, condoms, and make sure 911 is on your speed dial. Get some good razors, and I recommend  “summers eve’ country flowers douches…smell oh so nice and give you that really nice fresh feeling. And get yourself a pedicure. Ugly feet are such a turn off and maybe get a contact like the one below, stating intenton, LoL
Have each other fill this out~

Have each other fill this out~

 Feel free to let me know your dating stories, the good, the bad, the ugly. Id love to hear…..please~!!
 
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9 responses to “~Dating, Don’t Do it~

  1. ikarlee says:

    I’ve been a single parent for 2 years now but I still don’t have any interest in dating. I don’t fall in love very easily, (and not very often either) but when I do – I fall hard, and it takes a long time to get over it. Not get over the person as such, just the fact that I spent all of this time and investment into loving a person, giving my heart, my love, my all, and I just end up hurt and alone.
    I can’t be effed with any of that. I think I’ll skip all that shit and go straight to the part about being alone, dreaming of the love and romance and perfect guy. At least in my dreams I don’t get my heart torn out through my chest and smashed into a billion pieces before it’s handed back to me.

    Liked by 2 people

    • ~Lisa~ says:

      i do give my whole heart, fall hard and sometimes fast. It hurts to be heartbroken I do bounce back but its not easy and its not fast, it takes me a long time to get over someone really cared about. But on the other hand I be absolutely done with someone I didnt care much about, almost cold and ruthless like, more so in my past. Since being completely devastated being broken I hope to never hurt anyone as I have been hurt…!!!

      Like

  2. dodgysurfer says:

    Cringed at the bits I recognised, saddened by the truth of others and laughed at the stuff in between. So thankful to be perfect! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oy vey! This was hilarious but also sad because it’s true.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Please. Don’t. Douche! Seriously, that’s so bad for you. Other than that, hilarious read. I’m still married, but I’ve already told the mister that if we were to divorce, I’m gonna straight up be a man about it. Only dating non-exclusively, they’ll never meet my children/family…strictly sex/booty calls 😉

    Like

  5. I want a perfect body.. I want a perfect soul…

    Liked by 1 person

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