Where's My Xanax?

“When you care enough to send the very best”~

on October 1, 2014


Hallmark Cards, Inc.
2501 McGee Trafficway
Kansas City, MO 64108

To whom it may concern,

I am utterly appalled at the minimal amount of snarky, sarcastic, witty,  and even cynical card choices you have in your stores.

How am I to convey to my ex what a stupid friggin asshole he is, if I can’t find the right sentiment in your store ?

How am I to tell my daughter’s teacher that I appreciate the 2 hours of homework she gives my daughter every night, that I have been doing since school started, two months ago?

How am I to send my gynecologist a thank you card telling him how much I appreciated the hour in his office, with my legs apart and his lubed, gloved fingers deep inside me, while I was freezing in his office because apparently their having some heat problems?

I ran over my neighbor’s dog and I just can’t find the right card to say I’m sorry, I need a the sentiment that will show my care and concern for their loss, but wtf was was your dog doing in my yard again?

I care and have always been a card sender. I love to add that personal touch when sending a card. So I am so very upset over here, almost in tears over this. *starts to tear* up.

Did you know my ex mother in law is not feeling well?  I could not find a card that would help her feel better about the loss of her leg, due to the untreated syphilis and chlamydia. I mean this is just not acceptable.

I have been shopping in your stores for a long time. I remember in 1994 when you changed your slogan to “When you care enough to send the very best” Well stand by that slogan and get a better variety of cards or I will be forced to start shopping at Walmart for my greeting cards.

The Pilates instructor is ding-donging my ex, I need to be able to wish her good luck with that, as she will need it. But of course I can not find the proper card to send, please help me with these concerns.

I am sure I am not the only upset and concerned card shopper out there, maybe I should talk to someone in management, as I have some ideas.

I am sending my contact number, I better hear from someone soon or I will take action.

Thank you for your time.

Upset Card Shopper,

Lisa Smith

*** *** ****


I am also enclosing an idea of the kind of stuff that maybe you could sell in your store. The picture would be on the front and then the sentiments in the center. I hope you enjoy the hard work and time I took.  Hope to hear from management soon.

Cover of card:

Be Hitting YOU soon...xoxo

Be Hitting YOU soon…xoxo

Inside of card:

Roses are RED.

Violets are BLUE.

You may be my ex, but I still think of YOU.

Ropes and Poison will NOT do.

That’s why I hired my neighbor to RUN over you.

YOU may run and you may hide.

But her little Volkswagon WONT be denied.

This  poem is OVER.

And so are WE.

Don’t call or think of ever BOTHERING me.

I blocked YOU on Facebook.

as YOU can see.

So BOO HOO for you.


I really think many others with the caring, loving heart that I have would love to see some more sentiments in snark, cynicism, sarcasm, becasue I/we do care enough to send the very best.






11 responses to ““When you care enough to send the very best”~

  1. autosoma says:

    Brilliantly funny little poem

    Liked by 1 person

  2. ikarlee says:

    Hahaha your poem gave me a much need laugh!

    I need one for a co-worker who is being really unnecessarily unpleasant and snappish and generally alienating herself from the rest of the team.

    Something like:
    Roses are red, Violets are blue
    Quit being a bitch
    Cause no one likes you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • ~Lisa~ says:

      Sounds perfect to me, dont you wish in life you could send stuff like that sometimes, pfft. I do send cute ones that are nice sometimes, but oh to be able to send some “REAL” ones would be grand….~


  3. Bren Lee says:

    Oh my! LOL This is just the giggle I needed this morning! Thx!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I keep waiting for that card for telling a teacher off for all the homework. Yelling at people for that is so exhausting.


  5. ~Lisa~ says:

    Reblogged this on Wheres my xanax…?? and commented:

    Modified a bit.


  6. ~Lisa~ says:

    Reblogged this on Wheres my xanax…?? and commented:

    Modified a bit.


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