Where's My Xanax?

“Taking a look back”

on September 27, 2014

Wow, I just went back and looked through everything I have posted on facebook through the years and I have said some very profound things. Things that really show you the other side of me, the loving, selfless girl, who loves her life, the world and everything she has had and lost in it. I have suffered great loss but yet still seem to be that girl who really does try to see the good in everything and everyone.

I wrote about wonderful relationships between friends and family members. I truly have had an amazing life. I have experienced so much even though I really have not traveled afar. I have been loved unconditionally by the close circle of people I have had in my life.

Have I changed, is my life that much different, or am I just looking at it differently? I have most all of the same people in my life, childhood friends have grown up and of course we will never have the relationships we once did. But I have the memories and I can surely make new ones. I have lost some mates along the way, but those were learning experiences. Every failed relationship is bringing me one step closer to the right one. I have new friends, amazing friends, that make my life brighter just by being a part of it, I am lucky to have each and everyone of them in my life.

But their are also people I have lost, that I will never be able to bring back, there will be no more memories made and that is really sad to have to think about. Losing someone is the hardest thing I think anyone has to go through, your not just left with the amazing memories but that fact that you will never be able to make new ones. I do hope that life continues in heaven as in does on earth. That I will be able to hug my dad again and have a talk with my grandpa.

I miss that simple life I write about on facebook, I miss the silly simple girl with such a happy heart. I seem to be more cynical and sarcastic these days. You’d think with all the Tony Robbins and Robin Sharma’s of the world, I’d be walking around with sunshine coming out of my ass and yeah I guess on most days I am, LoL.

But on those days I’m not why am I not remembering what I have in my life, the awesome amazing people I write about so often on my page, the people I spend time with. The people who check in on me, as I check in on them. Why do I not remember that even the people I lost still love me and are still here holding my hand, I just cant see or feel it. I don’t believe I have become negative or a pessimist by all means. But I really think I’m simply forgetting all that I am, all that I have to offer and all that I truly have.

When recently hurt. I really wasn’t sure I was coming out of the darkness. I had gave my heart fully and it was completely broken. It was a loss almost more than I thought I could bear. I reached out and people helped me. People from all places, distances, even some of the most unlikely people helped me pull my self together, brush myself off and move forward.

I should know just from that experience anything is possible, we survive death of loved ones, break ups, but somehow we endure the pain and we go on. Isn’t that in itself a miracle. The strong survive, and I am strong as I have survived. Now Im not trying to compare a break up with the loss of a loved one, but a loss is a loss and regardless we either make it through or we don’t and I thank everyone and GOD that I made it through all the losses I have in my lifetime.

I can wake up tomorrow, I can pour myself that coffee and realize as I wrote in my first paragraph. I have an amazing life, I have amazing friends and family and there are gonna be bad days, really really bad days but there is also gonna be good days, great days, amazing days…~!!

Well, here’s to always being able to have that serious side that sees amazing things and writes profound stuff, but here’s to keeping the silly simple side of me that has no problem laughing at myself and writing talking with some wit, sarcasm, cynicism and yeah a bit of snark. I gotta balance all this crazy out somehow, right…??

As the joker would say….why so serious…??

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